Teens

How to Nurture Self-confidence in Your Child

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skateboarder-01In the last several weeks I have seen a mother trying to make her daughter look prettier (she was beautiful without the make-up), a father pushing a son better built for track into football, and a parent making fun of a son’s drawings.

These parents might someday wonder why their children did not have the self-confidence to achieve more in life.

Let’s not do that.

So… top ten ways to nurture a confident child

  1. The most important single factor in building a child’s self esteem is unconditional love from their parents. Children need to be certain that no matter what dumb thing they do, or how badly they fail, you will love them. You may not always like what they’ve done, but you will always have their back. They will have the courage to try, when they are sure you will catch them if they fall.
  2. Give your child a chance at success by laying out clear expectations; they need to know what success is in order to achieve it. Nothing will destroy self-confidence more quickly than trying to shoot at a moving target. What do you hope to see in your child: honesty? hard work? creativity? Be consistent. If you want them to be honest, then you need to be stringently honest in your own life, and require it of them in every part of theirs. No telling your child not to lie, then suggesting a fib about their schoolwork! Expect hard work? Work alongside them, and let them know how much you appreciate their labor.  Exhibit, and reward, the behavior you want to see.
  3. Make your expectations something at which your individual child can succeed. Any child can give their best, work hard, be true to themselves, and be honest. Not every child can be a football star, brilliant musician, or great artist. If your expectation is that your child try new things and do his or her best, then they can succeed at putting paint on canvas, and they will feel pride in their accomplishment.
  4. Find activities in which your child will thrive. You may have to try a few new things; break out the ballet classes and art lessons. Learn to throw a ball. Read books, tour a museum, travel… Explore the world in which your child will live his or her life. Nothing will build self-esteem like success, so seek out and encourage activities they love or for which they have a talent.
  5. Be interested in what inspires them. It’s impossible not to be: you are interested in their hair color and their height, how could you not be interested in their minds and talents? In the end, if mom or dad is interested, they will know that their accomplishments – and they themselves – have value.
  6. Allow time for free play and creative activity. Children do amazing things when they are allowed access to their own imaginations. Freedom will allow them to get in touch with their innate abilities, so that they can discover their best future. Self-confidence thrives when we do work at which we excel.
  7. Examine your own mind. Any left over preconceptions that might injure your child? Your small human is new. He or she embodies a combination of mind, talent, and ability that has never existed before. If you think science is the most important subject, but gave birth to a poet, you need to make sure that small poet doesn’t get the idea that you would have been happier if he or she could grasp algebra.
  8. Expect them to fail: the only people who do not fail are those who do not try. Show them with your own behavior that failure is a learning opportunity, so they will not think that they have less worth when they, in turn, fail. Let them watch you try new things. When you fail, make sure they see you accept that failure and learn from it, so that you can succeed next time. When they fail, tell them it was great that they tried, and redirect them to what they can do differently next time, so that they will get better. No defeatist talk, for the entire duration of their childhood!
  9. Spend time with friends with like interests, and friends who are completely different. Friends who value the same things your child does will reinforce his or her worth; friends who are very different will teach your child that every person has equal grace, whether their talents lie in building an app, a home, or a business.
  10. Be true and honest. Your children know you, and will know when you are not being real. Children do amazing things every day: there is no need for fake, meaningless praise. You love this child, therefore you love and will value the things that he or she is good at, even if you never thought you would before you became a parent. True praise builds healthy self-confidence.

While you’re at it, work on your own confidence. The world has probably battered it a bit. Children will always follow our example. If that example is self-confidence, courage, and honesty, how far might they go?

Your Daughter’s Vagina

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marilynThis week my amazing daughter handed my son-in-law a daughter. This brand new person has lots of silky dark hair, deep blue eyes and 2 dimples. She is a 7# 8oz miracle.

In the last few days my son-in-law has heard endless versions of “You’re in deep trouble, man,” “You’ll need a shotgun,” and “The boys will be after her!” My son-in-law is a deep thinker, so he gave it some deep thought and said, “Why?”

Assuming we want our daughters to have joy in life, fulfillment in their chosen work, family, and love: why then do we not want them to have sex? It seems an essential part of the picture.

When we actually consider why we feel this way, it comes down to the unfortunate fact that we equate a woman’s value with her sexual appeal, but devalue women when they actually have sex. No sex? Virginity and a pedestal. Sex with one man? Mother and Madonna. Sex with more? We have a direct line of descent into whoredom, where your daughter can be given a monetary value.

Then we confuse this scale by judging a woman’s value by how sexy she is. I once heard a med student say about the best kid cancer doc I knew, “What else could she do? She’s damned homely.” We want our daughters to be sexy, but not to have sex.

The valuation for men is perhaps equally harsh, but diametrically opposed. Virginity brings snickers and derision. Faithfulness to one women is sometimes thought to be gullible and foolish. Sex with many women is part of the admirable macho stereotype: men have conquests and “sew their wild oats,” admire James Bond, Casanova and Don Juan, and slap each other on the back as they carve notches into their belts or acquire trophy wives.

Math works, and these numbers do not add up.

There are of course other problems with these assumptions: not only are we devaluing our daughters, we are also making life difficult for our sons. We want our boys to have self respect, good long term relationships with their partners and the maturity to hang around to see their children grow up. Herpes, AIDs, and serial shallow relationships devoid of respect will not bring them this future.

So what is the solution?

We need to give our own values serious consideration, and then evenhandedly teach those values to both our sons and our daughters. We cannot tell our boys that it is OK to get a girl drunk so that she will have sex with them, and then tell our daughters that if they drink too much and have sex they are whores. We cannot tell our boys they are not manly if they choose to wait for love, and our girls that they must wait, or they are trash. It does not work to dress our seven year old daughters in spangles and teach them to hip thrust to sexy music, but then insist they remain innocent.

We need a coherent, honorable, human plan. Consider the future you want for your child, give thought to how sex fits into that future, be fair, be stringently honest, and build rules consistent with that future.

Some simple rules might be: we don’t want you to have sex until you are fully mature; we want you to be in a relationship built on love and mutual respect when you do; we want you to be safe and responsible.

Follow your own rules. Start when your babies are brand new, behave honorably, and be consistent throughout their childhoods. “Do as I say, not as I do” has never and will never work, because in the end your children will know you very well indeed.

  • Watch what you say, both to your own partner and about the other people in your life, because words and judgments will worm their way into your child’s mind and later poke holes in his or her self worth.
  • Keep conversation open, so that when they hear something at school or at a friend’s house they know they can ask you about it. They need to be able to come to you when they have questions. Give them knowledge so that they will be able to make good decisions.
  • Monitor what they see on the internet and on TV. Much of what is on screens these days will need explanation.
  • They will probably make mistakes. When they do, it is perfectly all right to discipline them, because they did break your rules (aren’t you glad you made those rules beforehand, and made sure he or she understood them?) Do not, however, add judgment to the mix. Give them time and space to think and consider the consequences of their actions. Allow them the chance to do better next time. Everyone makes mistakes, and it is hard enough to forgive yourself and go on, without the ones you love adding to the weight of regret in your heart.
  • Never throw labels at them, because labels will leach onto their brains forever. They will never forget that their parent, who should love them no matter what, called them trash, or a slut. They might even feel that they have to live up to the label.
  • Sex is a powerful weapon. If handled well it can bring joy, deepen a loving relationship, and create life. A parent’s example provides the model, good or bad, for their child to follow; thoughtless words from that same parent’s mouth can echo in their brains and make them bleed.
  • Society’s views, as seen in your neighborhood or church, and on the screen in everything from commercials to movies to music, have an impact.
  • How we think about sex, our behavior, and the inner judgments of our own actions effect everything from our relationships to our health, our self esteem to our future.

Sex can be a natural part of a fulfilled life, or it can injure your child’s mind, body and soul, up to the point of self-injury, depression, and death. It is important. It is deserving of respect and careful consideration, and an absolutely equal and consistent application of those conclusions to the parenting of both our sons and our daughters.

My son-in-law is brilliant, you know, and he was right.

What Happens When It’s Homework Time?

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CinemaUsher-01There are more than 2000 school days in your child’s life, most of which will end with homework. Over time that means you need to inspire your children to do about 4000 hours of schoolwork at home, when video games are calling their names. Yipes.

How can you get that mountain of homework done with less argument and frustration? There are tricks.

The first trick is to establish the habit of homework long before they actually have any. When they are little, assign time in the evening when the TV is turned off, activities are done, and you as a family can sit and read, build things, or play games that involve a little brain work. Do this during the two hours before bed and the kids will also sleep better. A win-win!

Why do we need homework?

Consider the goal of homework: what do we want our child to gain from doing it? Of course, we want them to learn the material. More importantly, we want them to learn how to learn, and to love doing it. We want to furnish them with skills that will prove useful in real life. If homework can teach your children to examine facts, explore knowledge, organize and take personal responsibility for their work, and manage their time efficiently – what might he or she accomplish in life? These are the very skills that form a foundation for success.

Where?

Choose a place. There is no “right” place. If your child does better in a quiet environment, a desk in his room would work well. If he or she needs a little supervision, the kitchen table might work better. Wherever you choose, turn off the TV, videogame, and cell phone (quiet music is usually fine, and sometimes can even help children concentrate). Make sure they are comfortable and the lighting is good. Have the supplies they need – pencils, paper, calendar, dictionary? – nearby. Get rid of any distractions.

When?

Pick a time. Again, there is no “right” time. Some kids will do better right after school; some will need to blow off steam and may do better after dinner. Choose the time that works best for your individual children, involving them in the decision. Then make this schedule a routine, because children’s brains accommodate habits well. People don’t argue over something they have done every day for years; they argue endlessly over change and unpredictability.

Give your children a warning a few minutes before their free time is ending, so they can finish whatever they are doing before your drag them away.

Keep your expectations appropriate for your child’s age. As a general rule of thumb a child should have about 10 minutes of homework per grade level. Children in elementary school will need help organizing their work and staying on task; teenagers should be able to do their work without supervision. Somewhere in middle school they learn to take responsibility. Hopefully.

Start the hardest subjects first; position assignments which require memorization (spelling, math?) early and repeat after breaks.

Since you as parents won’t always be around to supervise, let your teenager fail in high school when they make poor choices. Summer school is cheaper and immensely less life altering than flunking out of college; repeating algebra is torture, but less traumatic than loosing a job. To paraphrase: give a child an organized notebook, and he will pass one test; teach him how to organize and he will have a skill for all of his life (sorry, couldn’t help myself).

Expect problems; they give you a subject of conversation to share with your child! Approach problems with diplomacy and respect for the person who is your child. Label the problem: “You get distracted by your cell phone.” Don’t label your child: never “You’re lazy.” Be wiling to compromise with your child to solve the problem. “If you will turn off the cell phone while you do your work, you can have 5 minute breaks between subjects to catch up, call and text.” Agree to the compromise; it is a contract with your progeny. If you need to, write it down and both of you sign it.

Rewrite this contract when the first one flops, until you find an arrangement that enables your child to learn and you to not run screaming from the room.

Allow the child’s input as much as possible. Let him decorate his workspace up to the point where he puts in distractions. Let her decide subject order, as long as it works. Let them choose their break activity, up to a time limit.

Reward success.

We as humans are hard wired to respond better to rewards than to punishment. How long would you go to work if you did not get a paycheck?

Sadly, it is not realistic to expect a better grade to be your child’s only reward. That grade is too far into the distant misty future, over a mountain of hard labor.

Rewards work best if they are small, and given for small increments of good behavior. A hug, a smile and pride in their accomplishment is all they need when they are small. When they are a little bigger, take time to read a book together or play a game. Keep rewards simple, small, and frequent.

Older children also need small, frequent rewards, though probably not as simple. They always have items that they want, but don’t need; these items make great rewards. Study time, completed homework and test grades can all earn them points toward a goal. There is no need for an argument when he or she doesn’t do their work before picking up the phone; they just won’t get that essential point.

They win, because even if they don’t get that A in History, they retain the points toward that skateboard or new game. And Science is coming!

Homework is training for life. Choose the place and time, working with your child to fit it to your family routines, your child’s personality, and his or her age. Endeavor to teach self-discipline, time management and responsibility equally with reading, writing, and arithmetic. Reward success. Keep in mind that the goal is not to learn how to spell that list of words, but rather to inspire a love of learning which will propel your child to succeed, now and into the future.