self-confidence

Che, Che, Che, Changes… and Children

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Change- just aheadBack-to-school season is the perfect time to think about how change impacts children, how to help them through it, and the positives that come when kids learn to be flexible and resilient.

Humanity is naturally comfortable with routine. We are confident in our ability to get through the day when we have done it all before. We are secure, and safe. We don’t have to particularly think about anything. To varying degrees, we all like to know what to expect–whole books are written about it!

This need for routine and stability is far more pronounced in a child. A toddler has no real sense of time–they live in the moment, and the future is a complete unknown. Older kids may have a better sense of time, but surprises can still incite strong emotion. Teens have so many changes going on already that seemingly small transitions can make them feel overwhelmed and out of control.

Yet change is inevitable, and the pace of change increases every day.  Parents today change jobs and geography more than did any previous generation; divorce is more common; the 24 hour cycle flings news at us continuously from around the planet.

Improvements in technology and rapid changes in our cultures remake our world the minute we turn our backs. So…

How to help children cope with change:

  • Be a good example. If you take things in stride and don’t appear worried or scared, they will imitate your reaction.
  • Build strong relationships. If they know they are loved and secure, a move or loss will not be so overwhelming.
  • Stay Healthy. Eat nutritious food, exercise, and get enough sleep. Everything is easier to deal with if you feel good and are not tired.
  • Warn them that change is coming. Imagine if even something as wonderful as Christmas happened without advance warning. There’s a tree in the living room, Dad is dressed up in a crazy suit, everyone is excited, and all the normal routines are suspended. Scary stuff! Let them know what is coming, and give them time to process.
  • Explain what is happening, and why it is happening, at their developmental level. Answer their questions. Give them information about the changes that are coming, and explore the possibilities. Imagine the good things that could happen as a result of the change as well as the bad and scary stuff.
  • Keep to routines when you can. Morning regimens, family meals, and bedtime routines are the foundation of a good day. Nothing feels safer than snuggling up with someone who loves you and a bedtime story.
  • Allow them their feelings. Don’t discount them. If the thing they are angry about the most with Grandma’s death is that no one will give them Tootsie Rolls anymore, nod solemnly and say you understand.
  • Expect bad behavior. Kids will regress with transitions, and will act out if they feel insecure. Discipline them in exactly the same way you would have before the change, because if they get away with bad behavior it will heighten their anxiety. If they still get a time out for saying that bad word, then things must not be that different. Bad behavior successfully disciplined establishes new borders and validates their security.
  • Let them have an impact on the change. Let them choose some flowers for an event, or the color of their new room for a move. Humans feel better when they have done something, no matter how small. Action shrinks fear.
  • Carve out time every day for a little one-on-one. ‘Nuf said.
  • Allow time for relaxation and fun. Laugh. Listen to music. Renee Jain, MAPP has a few excellent mindfulness activities for children here. I especially like her practice of “dissolving a thought.” Kids can devolve into what is called catastrophic thinking and spiral downward into a place where nothing is right with the world, and nothing ever will be. Mindfulness practice can stop that spiral and bring them back into the moment.
  • Avoid activities that increase stress, like competitive sports or games. This is not the time to play Monopoly. Simplify your schedule, and let things go.

Change is inevitable; learning to deal with it is a necessary skill. Kids who can adapt to new situations are better at everything from learning vocabulary to making friends to succeeding in the workplace.  Being able to manage your emotional responce to change is part of being a grownup. Knowing when to accept change and when to insist that you have an impact creates a fulfilling life. Last, seeing the good that can come from a transition is how you grab an opportunity.

The ability to adapt is one of the things that made humans special since we first started using that opposable thumb. Encourage your kids to learn it.

 

Domesticated Momster

 

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Nutrition Facts: What to Grow in a Kid’s Garden

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girl with plantIn Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy wrote “Spring is the time of plans and projects.” Plans and projects keep children out of trouble–or at least involve them in safer, more manageable trouble.

What could be better than digging in the dirt and playing in a spray of water on a hot summer day? What more creative than an adventure in the wilds of your back yard? Add in sunshine, fresh air and exercise, and planting a garden becomes the springtime activity of choice.

One of the best ways to coax kids into eating what is good for them is to involve them in its preparation. They are far more likely to eat the lunch they prepared with their own two hands than one you slaved over. If they help you peel and cut up carrots for dinner they will try them, and brag about their contribution while chewing.

Extend this a bit and you reap the miracle of children eating their vegetables because they grew them in their very own garden. They planted the seeds, watched over them, watered them, and cared for them. They will proudly eat the fruits of their labor and proclaim their tastiness.

Children need a variety of vitamins and minerals in order to function and grow, and the best place to get those nutrients, along with carbs for energy and fiber for bowel function, is in fruits and vegetables. Some, like beans and peas, are even excellent sources of protein. Many of them can be grown in small plots or in containers on a porch.

Carrots can be grown easily from seeds bought in your local garden store, and are very high in Vitamin A. Vitamin A helps with eyesight–especially night vision–which is why your mom always told you to eat lots. Watermelon, peas, peppers, beans, and tomatoes also have bunches of Vitamin A.

Tomatoes, peppers, and beans are high in B complex vitamins. B vitamins like riboflavin, niacin, thiamine and folic acid are tiny machines that allow your body to function. They help with everything from making blood cells, to generating energy from carbohydrates, to scavenging free radicles and protecting you from cancer.

Strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries are high in Vitamin C, which is necessary for collagen synthesis and wound healing and is an effective antioxidant. Without Vitamin C, people get scurvy.

Minerals are also easily come by on the plant side of your plate.

Calcium to build strong bones can be found in beans.

Potatoes, beans, corn, and mushrooms are high in iron, which helps carry oxygen around your body.

Potassium, necessary for muscle contraction and to maintain your heart rhythm, is present in potatoes, berries, peas, beans, and peppers.

Essential minerals like magnesium, phosphorus, copper, and zinc are all available in fruits and vegetables.

I’ve never seen a child turn down a pea fresh from the pod, or a strawberry plucked from the plant. Find a plant catalogue, pour through it with your child, pay attention to what will grow in your area and how much room the plants need to grow, and choose. Consider what you have room for: will these be container plants on the porch, or can you spare a patch of yard? Do you have space for a tree, or are we looking at a mushroom kit in the closet?

Some of my favorite kid friendly plants are peas, beans, peppers, tomatoes, and the ever popular carrot. Melons, pumpkins, and cucumbers are great if you have a little more room. Berries come in all sizes, from tiny strawberry plants fit for containers with pockets down the side, to raspberry vines best grown on trellises, to fat thorny blackberry bushes. Tires can be stacked up and filled with dirt in a tower as potato plants grow, then harvested by taking off one tire at a time.

Growing a few plants allows you to spend time with your children, get some exercise, and build some vitamin D of your own from all that sunshine. Have a conversation about science and nutrition while you are digging in the dirt. Money can be earned and financial lessons taught by naming the watering and weeding of those plants “chores.” Other lessons can be taught without any conversation: responsibility for life, the fruitfulness of hard work, and pride of accomplishment. Don’t miss this opportunity for spring plans and projects!

Domesticated Momster

Lessons from a Child

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Astronaut child

Children never question what they like and do not like. They are nothing if not decided.

My grandson, the other day, looked at lasagna and said No, I do not like the look of that, and will therefor not taste it. He said that with a twist of an eyebrow, not actual words, since he is not yet two. Luckily, he was afterwards convinced that just one taste would not kill him, and proceeded to devour the entire plate. Not so bad, lasagna.

We somehow lose that connection as adults.

Where does it go–that focus; that confidence that we know ourselves?

I think we get directed. Steering is involved. People suggest. This is good, you will like it. You look pretty in that, you should wear that more. Rich guys have that, you should want it too.

Our cultures push a little in one direction.

Our gender angles a bit to the side.

Our age limits possibilities, tamps them down.

Our situation tailors our activities that way.

As we go through life we lose ourselves, and the directions we could have grown had we not been trellised on a frame.

We seldom take a moment to sit and think, I used to find dinosaurs fascinating. I used to write, draw, sing… I always wanted to try running, the guitar, scuba diving…

Adults get disconnected, in their adultness.

Let us today vow to follow the immediate example children display for us.  Hmmm. Flavor…. Good! Hmmm. Uncomfortable… Bad!

What might we be capable of if we rediscover who we are from the inside out; figure out what we actually enjoy, find interesting, and want to spend our lives doing rather than fitting into the frame society has designed for us? It is so easy to believe that our amazing children can be anything, do anything… Why not apply that to ourselves as well? We will never discover that we can draw if we do not pick up a pencil, that we are good with the elderly if we do not volunteer, that we can do, if we do not try (switched up Yoda a bit sorry).

Can we create ourselves the way our children do, isolating ourselves during that moment of exploration from the expectations created by our histories and circumstances? Put that pencil to paper without looking behind us to make sure no one sees?

How better to teach our children that they can be connected and fulfilled than by doing it ourselves, and being a good example?

Celebrate the world’s rebirth this spring and try something new.

Domesticated Momster

Top Ten Reasons to Let Your Kids Fail

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Astronaut child

Even the possibility of failure is anxiety provoking.

Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could just do everything right the first time?

Need me to do that radio interview? No problem–bring it on! I’m not scared of that microphone, and the questions for which I might not know the answers, and the fact that I might sound like an idiot or give someone the wrong information… cue the heart racing, chest clutching, palm dampening anxiety.

If you haven’t experienced the fear of failure you haven’t pushed past your known limits and tried, and without trying you will leave possibilities on the table.

We want our children to catch their dreams, so when it is safe, and when failure does not have lifelong consequences, we need to let them try.

It is hard to sit back and watch our children fail–yet failure is good, and essential to success. Below are ten things to think about as you stand aside and watch your child drop that ball, and learn lessons the hard way–through personal experience with bruised knees and lost friendships:

  1. Failure is on the job training–a learning experience in what does not work and what not to do. Fail that test? Next time they will study.
  2. Failure is an arrogance tamer. Arrogance will not attract true friends.
  3. Failure teaches empathy. Empathy does attract true friends.
  4. Failure is proof that your child is trying. Good to know they got off that couch, right?
  5. Failure gives us direction. If we are lost, we look at a map; failure draws the route on that map. If our child was terrible at hitting or catching a ball, but loved running the bases? Maybe we should sign him or her up for track. Failure gives us a better idea of who we are and what we are actually good at.
  6. Projects are more likely to succeed if preceded by a series of failures. All those errors make us more careful, so we pay attention and catch mistakes before they happen instead of pushing through and assuming all will go well.
  7. Life’s hardest, most important lessons can only be learned through failure. People truly do “not know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.”
  8. Lessons learned through failure stick. We joke about how our children always have to learn things the hard way, but such is human nature. We can give them our knowledge and experience, but it will never be as memorable as a moment of abject embarrassment in front of their classmates.
  9. Success feels so much better after failures. ‘Nuf said.
  10. Experience teaches that failure is not fatal. John Sinclair said “failure is a bruise, not a tattoo.” It’s good to have learned in childhood that you really can try again, and perhaps succeed. Failure is not permanent until you give up and shut that door.

It is better that they learn these lessons in childhood while you are still there to catch them when they fall. Break out your box of bandaids, security, and absolute love and acceptance. Even though they might not make the team, they know that you will love them anyway and they will be secure enough to try again.

Every single time your children fail, they have overcome fear to try, and how amazing is that? Even if they have not succeeded at acing that interview, they have succeeded at beating fear to give it their best. Their dreams await.

 

How to Inspire a Teenager

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Young Teenage Girl Standing And Looking On Empty Picture Frame

Last week’s blog was “How to Play with a Two Year Old.”  Apparently, this was not an issue for many parents; the problem was more, “How do I get my teen off the couch?”

Who knew?

Since we would prefer that they roll themselves off the couch (they get a bit heavy) we need them to want to get up on their large stinky feet to do something interesting.

Inspiration seems to be the key.

So how do we arrange for our children to become inspired? Industry prospers when industrious people are inspired, so the how to’s of inspiration have been studied extensively in that field. I plundered their studies shamelessly to suit my needs and come up with ten things that will encourage your teen toward couchless, inspired labor. To create an environment that encourages inspiration:

  1. First, kids need to know that they are loved and accepted exactly as they are. This absolute security will give them the self confidence they need to take a chance–live their own lives, follow their own interests and talents–and not be self defeating.
  2. Our kids need health to reach their potential. This means giving them a diet of healthy whole foods, daily exercise, and enough sleep. (You knew I’d sneak that one in somewhere, didn’t you?)
  3. They need to by focused on the positive. The most effective way to do this is by remembering  their strengths. If they feel defeated, remind them of past successes. The flip side of this is learning to accept change and loss as a part of life, not the unending measure of their failures.
  4. They need to believe in the possibility of success; optimism is key to inspiration. Teach them to see the best in people rather than looking for the worst. Show them the seemingly impossible things other people have accomplished. Talk about the people they admire. Success can happen.
  5. They need practice finding solutions, so work through problems with them rather than simply telling them what to do. Give them experience working toward a goal while you are still around to steer them a bit.
  6. Help them learn the value of courage so that they will push through fear to try new things, to do something different, to explore, and to think in a way only their own unique brain can think.
  7. Allow time for relaxation; take moments to breathe; allow laziness. Brains are most creative when they are relaxed. Slower brainwaves lead to new connections; plasticity leads to creativity.
  8. Nudge appreciation of other people, opportunities, life, and beauty. Teach them to be observant. They might write in a journal, draw, make music, dance, hike outdoors, read, meditate–anything that exercises their mind.
  9. Stir them to interact with and help others. Teach something. It is hard to come up with new ideas in a vacuum. Allow feedback and interaction, listen to other people’s ideas. Write things down.
  10. Encourage work. An inspired person is immersed in what he or she is doing, like a dog with a bone. Time passes unnoticed as they persist past an idea into exhaustion, and satisfaction.

Francis of Assisi said, “Start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible… suddenly you are doing the impossible.”

Inspiration creates love, joy, and purpose–which creates inspiration–which creates love, joy, and purpose… Inspiration is a moment of understanding the magic in our world. Inspired people thrive, have balance, and invite humor and joy into their lives. What more could we want for our children?

 

Domestic Momster

How to Play with a Two Year Old

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toddler with toy-01Two year old’s are different. They are too big to carry around and talk at, but too little to hit a ball with a stick. Games don’t work because they can’t understand the rules: they have more fun throwing game pieces in the air or sorting them into like colors or shapes, than they would moving them around a board.

Before you hang out with a two year old it is useful to understand their world view.

In a two year old’s mind, they are the center of the universe with the whole world revolving around them, for their amusement alone. They are just beginning to see themselves as separate people, and just starting to enjoy the company of other children. Everything that happens has to be caused by something they did, because what else is there? They are not terribly clear on what is reality and what is fantasy.

This world view is part of the reason they don’t understand when things do not go their way, or when people leave or die.

Developmentally, a two year old is beginning to think. They can form concepts in their minds. Where before they learned by touching, seeing, and manipulating objects, now they can form images in their brains and work through scenarios to solve problems. They begin to understand cause and effect.

As part of this thinking thing, they sometimes try out independence and defiance.

Separation anxiety also shows up here because they can now understand that when you walk away you are going somewhere else, away from them, with no surety that you will ever come back.

Physical skills are, of course, a big part of play. A two year old should be walking well and beginning to run. They should be able to carry a toy or pull one behind them. They can kick a ball, although not well. They like to pour things out of containers, and can build towers of about 4 blocks.

Language development is also important in play.  A two year old can usually point to things you name, repeat words after you, and speak in simple phrases. He or she can follow simple instructions (not game rules).

So, given this brain, how to play with them?

First, get down at their level and look them in the eye. Listen to them. Then prepare to be drug around by a finger and told what to do, because a two year old likes to be in charge. She will be most interested in toys that challenge her or teach her something new, as long as they are not beyond her abilities. He will want to imitate his grown-ups or his older siblings. They will want to act out action sequences: first put the baby doll in the chair, then feed it, then it’s time for a bath. They like to sort things by shape and color. And last, they want to be told how wonderful they are when they figure something out.

Every bit of play is a learning opportunity and a chance to develop their self confidence.

One warning: a two year old has a very shaky understanding of cause and effect, and does not yet learn from experience. He or she will do again that action that hurt them the first time–which explains why they keep putting things up their noses. They have yet to learn self control, and have little experience with anger. They need constant supervision because they are physically capable of doing some very scary things, and not mentally capable of understanding injury and death.

So hold out that finger, and prepare to be drug around and dictated to. Enjoy being invited into the center of their universe. You’ll miss it when they are 13 and want to pretend you do not exist.

Dometicated Momster

Top Ten Reasons to Never Lie to Children

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A small boy playing

Every time I say, “Never lie to your kids,” someone responds with, “What about Santa, and the Easter Bunny? What about playing pretend?” I sometimes think people like to stir things up, and create difficulties where there are none.

Lies and fantasy are not the same thing, and we know that when we are not trying to be obtuse. Lies are ugly. Lies are self-serving, meant to gain an advantage for the liar. Lies hurt, and cause damage and resentment. Everyone has, at some point in their lives, been hurt by a lie. Remember that feeling, because it is not something we wish for our progeny.

There is a real difference between lies and pretend. Pretend is a game everyone has agreed to play. No one was ever hurt by being brought into the club to help keep the secret of Santa.

The other side of the coin is that well meaning parents want to protect their kids from some of the less magical aspects of life, and lie in order to guard their child’s innocence and happiness. We forget that there is a price tag on the lie that will come due when it is found out. The result of “Sure we can afford that toy,” and “Grandma just went on a long trip,” is a lack of trust, and panic when Aunt Judy goes on her next trip.

The solution to this is simple. Don’t tell them things you don’t want them to know. Tell them they are too young, or you’ll have to think about that, or just “No.”

Don’t lie. Because…

  1. …you’ll get caught. You have to keep track of all of your lies; your munchkin only has to remember what you said. You are the most important person in their lives. They watch you and pay attention. They will notice.
  2. …you don’t want your child to lie to you, and fair is fair.
  3. …kids incorporate anything a parent does into their own self image. If their parent is a liar, then so must they be.
  4. …they need to trust you on matters of safety. If you have never lied to them they will know you are telling the truth when you say, “drugs are dangerous,” or “random sex will hurt you.”
  5. …kids thrive when they feel secure. They need to know they can count on their parents, and have a safe base from which to launch their lives. Lies will erode that security.
  6. …it is much easier to have self respect, and take pride one’s accomplishments, when one has honestly accomplished them. As you go, so will they follow.
  7. …you want your children to succeed in both their work and their relationships; a habit of honesty will help in both.
  8. …the respect of your children must be earned, not granted as an automatic part of being a parent. Lying tarnishes that respect.
  9. …when they see you deserving of and expecting respect as an honest, trustworthy person, so will they demand respect in their own lives and relationships.
  10. …last, they can trust that they are wonderful and capable of anything, because you told them so, and you never lie.

Why is Being Short a Bad Thing?

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Sad child on black background. Portrait depression girlThe time has come to question our assumptions.

We know that humans come in all sizes, shapes, colors, talents, and smarts. Things would get pretty boring–and confusing–if everyone looked alike and had the same talents and abilities; we need variety to keep the world turning. Who would grow the food and fix the plumbing if we were all rock stars?

Why then do we then pick one or two sorts of humans and define them as good? Why is tall better than short? Why is blond better than brunette? Why is aggressive good in a male and not so good in a female? Who makes these arbitrary decisions?

We need to take a breath and examine our assumptions, because they effect every aspect of our lives. We especially need to consider how they affect our children’s lives.

Thoughtless, arbitrary assumptions can place expectations on our children that will crush their fragile frames.

It is easy to assume that athleticism is good, and slide from there over to I want you to be athletic, and will be disappointed in you if you are not. It is common to assume that girls should be nice, and then wear a dismayed look when a daughter’s competitive streak comes to the fore.

It is equally easy for a daughter to internalize that look of disappointment or dismay, and lacerate her own self-esteem.

So let’s question our assumptions.

I am where I am partly because I was fueled by soul deep anger and competitiveness. I am told these traits are “negative” in a woman, but they motivated me and gave me the power to overcome endless obstacles. Why then are such things defined as negative – should it not depend on how they are used? These traits are part of my whole–should I not embrace them if I am to love myself? Or do I have to embrace only the parts of me of which others would approve, and try to bury the rest? Why? Because society says so? Religion? Because I am a woman and we are assumed to be a certain way? Because they are not happy, perky feelings?

Who defines what is a negative trait, and what is positive? Is it social mores, extended family, religious books, the entertainment industry? These entities don’t even know you or your children, so why should you trust them to decide what you or they should be?

We want our children to like themselves in their entirety, not just selective bits and pieces. We do not want them to feel that they need to hide parts of themselves because they believe those parts to be bad, or shameful. Down that path lies broken relationships and depression.

If your child is short, tall, brunette, round, skinny, bookish, hates books… take this moment to make sure that you are not harboring assumptions about which bits and pieces are “good” and which are “bad.” Kids are experts at reading their parents, and stamping themselves with those unvoiced judgements. Value honesty, responsibility, inspiration–traits that will help them succeed in any field–and all the parts and pieces of your actual children, because every part of them deserves your acceptance and love.

Domesticated Momster

The Egg Came First, Of Course!

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Family remodeling house. Home remodel and renovation. Kids painting walls with colorful brush and roller. Children paint wall. Choice of bright color on sample palette for child nursery or kid room.

So, I’ll admit it. I truly do not understand that whole man/woman inequality thing. I don’t get why it exists. It’s like the chicken and the egg to me, which came first? It’s obvious: the egg. Something that was almost a chicken laid an egg that had a new mutation, and voila–a chicken! So simple, just a matter of definition, of where we draw that line.

Why is it not just as obvious to everyone that men and women are equal? Each has 46 chromosomes and the same arrangement of muscles and bones. Both have a brain, a heart, two arms, two legs.

How could a lesser being get together with a greater being and create a child? Part of two equals have to make that whole.

And yet we endlessly insist that they are not equal. We focus on what differences we can find and weigh them on an scale created from self interest, history and desire. Men are bigger, stronger, and have more muscle, so they are better! Women can bear life, so they are better!

We write off young women because they are girls, and sexy, and we judge them on that; we ignore old women because they are old, not sexy, and are thus useless. We walk on, satisfied with our actions because we have put them in their slot; it is settled. Women are less, because sex defines them.  We must allow them to be defined by their sex or they pose a threat to the status quo. She can’t be president, she might push the button when she has PMS!

Whole human beings are reduced to their sexuality because it orders the world and makes it easier to find and understand our place.

In the same way young men are written off when they are not big, athletic; old men are written off when they do not have money, a fancy car. If they do not conform, they must be derided, snickered at, because of society’s obsession with macho manliness and wealth.

These prejudices do none of us any good. If we win and convince ourselves that we are better than one person, the flip side is that we will be judged as less than someone else. Do we really want that?

At some point, if this is ever to improve and we are not to endlessly churn out damaged adults with sad relationships who in turn damage their children, we have to evolve to the point where we know, to the depths of our souls, that all humans are equally valuable. All talents are to be prized. All life is sacred.

We all want the same things in life: to love and be loved, to have a safe haven to go home to, to have work that inspires us. We have so much about us that is the same, yet we constantly focus on our differences.

Where does this need to compare and compete, to constantly evaluate and judge, come from? Is it hard wired into our animal DNA, or is it something our human brains can overcome?

Why do we need to write anyone off or judge ourselves against others? Why do we subject ourselves, let alone total strangers, to valuation by our obsessions and insecurities? One part of a person is not the whole; the one hue we individually consider important cannot stamp a whole human being with a value, like a price tag, ignoring the rest of the color spectrum.

It is time that we embrace the whole of the human spectrum, and take joy in our evolution. Each person–man/woman, tall/short, intelligent/talented/mechanical/weird–has equal value, is deserving of equal respect, and can be loved and appreciated as they are.

Why live a life that has already been lived, outlined by the generations who lived before? Grasp change; reach deep into your own unique soul and create something new. Then allow your neighbor, workmate, and child to do the same.

How to Nurture Self-confidence in Your Child

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skateboarder-01In the last several weeks I have seen a mother trying to make her daughter look prettier (she was beautiful without the make-up), a father pushing a son better built for track into football, and a parent making fun of a son’s drawings.

These parents might someday wonder why their children did not have the self-confidence to achieve more in life.

Let’s not do that.

So… top ten ways to nurture a confident child

  1. The most important single factor in building a child’s self esteem is unconditional love from their parents. Children need to be certain that no matter what dumb thing they do, or how badly they fail, you will love them. You may not always like what they’ve done, but you will always have their back. They will have the courage to try, when they are sure you will catch them if they fall.
  2. Give your child a chance at success by laying out clear expectations; they need to know what success is in order to achieve it. Nothing will destroy self-confidence more quickly than trying to shoot at a moving target. What do you hope to see in your child: honesty? hard work? creativity? Be consistent. If you want them to be honest, then you need to be stringently honest in your own life, and require it of them in every part of theirs. No telling your child not to lie, then suggesting a fib about their schoolwork! Expect hard work? Work alongside them, and let them know how much you appreciate their labor.  Exhibit, and reward, the behavior you want to see.
  3. Make your expectations something at which your individual child can succeed. Any child can give their best, work hard, be true to themselves, and be honest. Not every child can be a football star, brilliant musician, or great artist. If your expectation is that your child try new things and do his or her best, then they can succeed at putting paint on canvas, and they will feel pride in their accomplishment.
  4. Find activities in which your child will thrive. You may have to try a few new things; break out the ballet classes and art lessons. Learn to throw a ball. Read books, tour a museum, travel… Explore the world in which your child will live his or her life. Nothing will build self-esteem like success, so seek out and encourage activities they love or for which they have a talent.
  5. Be interested in what inspires them. It’s impossible not to be: you are interested in their hair color and their height, how could you not be interested in their minds and talents? In the end, if mom or dad is interested, they will know that their accomplishments – and they themselves – have value.
  6. Allow time for free play and creative activity. Children do amazing things when they are allowed access to their own imaginations. Freedom will allow them to get in touch with their innate abilities, so that they can discover their best future. Self-confidence thrives when we do work at which we excel.
  7. Examine your own mind. Any left over preconceptions that might injure your child? Your small human is new. He or she embodies a combination of mind, talent, and ability that has never existed before. If you think science is the most important subject, but gave birth to a poet, you need to make sure that small poet doesn’t get the idea that you would have been happier if he or she could grasp algebra.
  8. Expect them to fail: the only people who do not fail are those who do not try. Show them with your own behavior that failure is a learning opportunity, so they will not think that they have less worth when they, in turn, fail. Let them watch you try new things. When you fail, make sure they see you accept that failure and learn from it, so that you can succeed next time. When they fail, tell them it was great that they tried, and redirect them to what they can do differently next time, so that they will get better. No defeatist talk, for the entire duration of their childhood!
  9. Spend time with friends with like interests, and friends who are completely different. Friends who value the same things your child does will reinforce his or her worth; friends who are very different will teach your child that every person has equal grace, whether their talents lie in building an app, a home, or a business.
  10. Be true and honest. Your children know you, and will know when you are not being real. Children do amazing things every day: there is no need for fake, meaningless praise. You love this child, therefore you love and will value the things that he or she is good at, even if you never thought you would before you became a parent. True praise builds healthy self-confidence.

While you’re at it, work on your own confidence. The world has probably battered it a bit. Children will always follow our example. If that example is self-confidence, courage, and honesty, how far might they go?