bedwetting

Misadventures in Pottying

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Baby in diaper-01The last two week’s blogs have been all about potty training: how to know when your child is ready, and how to go about training them. This week is about when things do not go well–bedwetting, accidents, refusal, and relapses. So what do we do when our efforts are less than successful? When all our hopes and dreams go splat in the night? Read on!

Bedwetting

Nighttime dryness tends to be in the DNA and is related to how deeply your children sleep rather than their actual intent. One in five children still wet the bed at age five, and anything that 20 percent of children do has to be defined as normal. Most kids are dry by age seven. Until then, consider pull-ups at night, or a mattress cover. Limit drinks an hour or so before bedtime because what comes in must go out. Hit the bathroom before you tuck them in.

Bedwetting is not bad behavior or a failure in parenting, and treating it as such can damage your children’s self-esteem. They cannot make themselves sleep less deeply. They can, of course, take responsibility and help with cleaning up and laundry.

If it persists at age seven, discuss it with your pediatrician. Once your child is old enough, bedwetting alarms can teach them to wake when they start to urinate, and have no side effects. The alarms that vibrate work better than the sound ones, because the whole issue is that they are very deep sleepers. Alarms are ridiculously expensive.

Accidents

Never punish accidents; it always backfires. Never punish disinterest. If you want to be potty training for the next five years, punishment is the way to get there. Responsibility is fine: they can throw away the old diapers and get out new clothes, or help to clean themselves up as much as they are able. Don’t even think of punishing a failure. They will do better next time.

Refusal

Toddlers will occasionally flat out refuse to use the potty. Sometimes this is an independence issue: not just “I can do it myself” but “I can do it myself anywhere I choose to.” This is more common when people try to potty train when their lives are in turmoil. Children want to control the one thing they can control.

Sometimes the only thing you can do when this happens is wait until later and try again after things settle down.

If the refusal is not too bad, sometimes you can overcome it:

  • Treat using the potty as a routine task that must be done, like brushing your teeth.
  • Rewards are given after the task is completed, not before.
  • Ramp up the fun factor: toilet paper squares decorated with targets is available. Aiming for fruit loops is a traditional winner. I know I said food rewards are a bad idea, but I can testify that one M&M for every potty use results in very frequent visits to the potty. I am a hypocrite. Sad.

Sometimes kids are downright terrified of the potty. Again you may just have to wait it out and try again later. They seem to feel that they are loosing a part of themselves to the yawning, abysmal plumbing. Reassure them and be patient. Throwing the contents of diapers into the potty can help: show them that this is where the poop goes. Tell them all about the poo-poo party that awaits it at the end of the journey. It would be very sad if their poo had to miss the poo-poo party. Poor, sad poo-poo. (I know, but sometimes it works.)

Relapses

They will also occasionally regress when they are stressed. A completely potty-trained munchkin will start having accidents when they are ill, when there is a new baby, or when there is a family crisis.

Even more frustrating is when they relapse because they have figured out the whole potty thing and are now bored with it. Amp up the fun and the rewards, and let them take responsibility for their action—or lack of action. They can help clean themselves up, put the poop in the toilet, and get themselves new clothes. Be sure to mention the reward they could have had, but have now missed. No punishment please!

Kids may also miss when they are uncomfortable in a strange new place, until they understand what they should do. Tell them there is a bathroom in the store where you are shopping; mention that if they have to potty at a friend’s house, just tell the mom or dad, and they will show him and her where the potty is.

Even when children have achieved the necessary milestones and you have used these techniques, the bottom line is that children will train when they are ready and not before. They need to understand what’s happening in their bodies and be able to let you know about it. They have to dislike having a wet diaper on and want the independence of doing it themselves. If it’s not fun and rewarding for them, they will quit—and you can’t win that battle.

Talk to other parents because potty training can drive you crazy, and craziness is better when shared, and because there are an abundance of ideas out there for how to inspire your toddler to hit that target. And don’t forget to have a potty party when they succeed.

Potty Training: How to Set Kids Up for Success

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Baby in diaper-01Last week’s blog was the first installment on the Perils of Potty Training: how to know when your munchkin is ready. This week gives you some tried and tested How To’s, when everything goes as planned.

The first thing you need to do when your children are ready is to decide what words you will use. Remember that whatever words you choose will be shouted loudly at very inconvenient times in public places. Please be anatomically correct and as polite as possible.

Just one aside: potty training increases your children’s vocabulary in interesting ways. If you don’t want to be called a “poo-poo head” for the next year, don’t laugh when they say it the first time. Don’t look shocked, either—they love that.

Second thing to do: buy the potty. They come as either self-contained units or as attachments to the grown-up potty. Choose which style you want, and make sure it is sturdy and their feet have somewhere secure to set down. Then let the child choose the specific model.  We’re looking for pride of ownership here. This is his or her potty. They can even decorate it.

Schedule some time for them to sit on it just for fun, as often as every quarter hour. Let them sit on it when you model how you use your potty, if you chose the self-contained style. Sitting on it should be fun for them; have special potty toys and books in the vicinity.

When you want them to use it for its designed purpose, put them on it at least every two hours. More often is fine, but don’t stress them out. Remember that the goal is fun, not anxiety. Put them on the potty after meals (we all poop after we eat), when they first wake, before naps, and at bedtime. Put them on the potty quickly when they show signs of needing to go. You know the signs: the pee-pee dance, hands on the groin, grimacing, sometimes a red face. Go sit them on the potty and read that special potty-only book. If you can go too, it will help. Lead by example, as always.

If it works, celebrate! Jump up and down; tell them they’re wonderful. Note that they must feel better now that they’ve urinated or pooped, and isn’t it great that they’re not wet? Aren’t they so much more comfortable? Let them call relatives and friends to tell them the news. Make sure they know that they should be very proud of themselves.

When they consistently use the potty, you can trade in the diapers for training pants. Big kid underwear! Another celebration! I knew one little girl whom I swore only trained because she didn’t want to pee on the mermaid on her undies.

Ahh ahh ahh, ahh ahh ahh… ohhh nooo. Poor Ariel.

What to do if things don’t go as planned and problems occur? Come back next week, of course!

The Blogger's Pit Stop

The Perils of Potty Training, and How To Avoid Them

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Baby in diaper-01At last! The day every parent dreams of–the day you can throw out the diapers.

But how do you know when to begin? The one universal truth is that the child has to be ready. If you try to potty train before your children are ready, you will frustrate yourself and irritate your children. You will not succeed.

Although the age at which children are ready to start potty training varies quite a bit, it generally ranges between eighteen months and three years.

There are several developmental milestones that need to be present for potty training to be a success:

  • Children need to be able to sense the urge and understand that that feeling of fullness means that they have to urinate or poop.
  • They have to be able to communicate to you that they need to go.
  • They have to want to go in the potty: they want to do it themselves or want to wear big kid underwear. Toddlers around two want to be like the big kids and copy their behavior. Their budding independence makes them want to gain control of their potty issues.
  • They need to be able to handle the clothing. You can make this easier by not putting them in difficult clothing while you are trying to train them. No onesies or overalls please! Sadly, I made that mistake myself. Very big tears because mommy couldn’t undo the onesie snaps in time. Worst mommy ever.
  • They have to dislike having a dirty diaper. They will let you know they dislike it by telling you when it is dirty and wanting it off immediately. And maybe screaming.
  • They have to want your approval and the reward they will receive for doing well.
  • Physically, you will notice that their diapers stay dry for longer periods of time—about two hours—and perhaps they wake up from naps dry. Their bowel movements become more predictable, usually occurring after meals.

All these necessary abilities are acquired with advances in your children’s development, and every child reaches them at different ages. Your children will train when they are ready, not when the daycare worker says they should or Grandma says you did.

The average eighteen-month-old is just starting to have some control of their sphincters. They are also beginning to be independent. By two, they are quite good at saying, “I can do it myself.” They are interested in the potty and in copying older children. Second children will actually train earlier than first ones because they copy their bigger siblings.

By thirty months, they are very aware of gender and become interested in copying people of their own sex. By three, they are interested in rewards—and intensely interested in your approval. All these traits will inspire them to use the potty.

If they train later, some negative issues come into play: peer pressure kicks in, and they can develop self-esteem issues. It’s the pits being the biggest kid in the baby class because you’re still in diapers when all of your friends have moved on. Also, kids are aware of parental frustration and internalize it, no matter how hard you try to hide it.

If they are ready and you have the next three months clear—there are no stresses coming up, such as a new baby, a move, a death, or a divorce—you are ready to try.

So come back next week for Potty Training: How To Set Kids Up for Success! Baby playing with abacus toy. Concept of early learning child