The Perils of Potty Training, and How To Avoid Them

Baby in diaper-01At last! The day every parent dreams of–the day you can throw out the diapers.

But how do you know when to begin? The one universal truth is that the child has to be ready. If you try to potty train before your children are ready, you will frustrate yourself and irritate your children. You will not succeed.

Although the age at which children are ready to start potty training varies quite a bit, it generally ranges between eighteen months and three years.

There are several developmental milestones that need to be present for potty training to be a success:

  • Children need to be able to sense the urge and understand that that feeling of fullness means that they have to urinate or poop.
  • They have to be able to communicate to you that they need to go.
  • They have to want to go in the potty: they want to do it themselves or want to wear big kid underwear. Toddlers around two want to be like the big kids and copy their behavior. Their budding independence makes them want to gain control of their potty issues.
  • They need to be able to handle the clothing. You can make this easier by not putting them in difficult clothing while you are trying to train them. No onesies or overalls please! Sadly, I made that mistake myself. Very big tears because mommy couldn’t undo the onesie snaps in time. Worst mommy ever.
  • They have to dislike having a dirty diaper. They will let you know they dislike it by telling you when it is dirty and wanting it off immediately. And maybe screaming.
  • They have to want your approval and the reward they will receive for doing well.
  • Physically, you will notice that their diapers stay dry for longer periods of time—about two hours—and perhaps they wake up from naps dry. Their bowel movements become more predictable, usually occurring after meals.

All these necessary abilities are acquired with advances in your children’s development, and every child reaches them at different ages. Your children will train when they are ready, not when the daycare worker says they should or Grandma says you did.

The average eighteen-month-old is just starting to have some control of their sphincters. They are also beginning to be independent. By two, they are quite good at saying, “I can do it myself.” They are interested in the potty and in copying older children. Second children will actually train earlier than first ones because they copy their bigger siblings.

By thirty months, they are very aware of gender and become interested in copying people of their own sex. By three, they are interested in rewards—and intensely interested in your approval. All these traits will inspire them to use the potty.

If they train later, some negative issues come into play: peer pressure kicks in, and they can develop self-esteem issues. It’s the pits being the biggest kid in the baby class because you’re still in diapers when all of your friends have moved on. Also, kids are aware of parental frustration and internalize it, no matter how hard you try to hide it.

If they are ready and you have the next three months clear—there are no stresses coming up, such as a new baby, a move, a death, or a divorce—you are ready to try.

So come back next week for Potty Training: How To Set Kids Up for Success! Baby playing with abacus toy. Concept of early learning child

Enter to Win a $50 Amazon Gift Card and Help the UHC Children’s Foundation

Rachel2

Rachel, above,  is a beautiful, energetic, freckled little 9 year old girl.
She was born with deformed vertebrae down her spine and ribs fused together around her chest – deformities which crushed her lungs and restricted her breathing. She had her first surgery as a toddler and followed that with 15 more.  ribs-01

Now here is the miracle: brilliant people designed expandable metal rods which were placed vertically along her chest wall.  Every 6 months she goes in and has another surgery to gradually expand them so that her chest can grow normally and her lungs and heart can work properly.

Which brings me to the point of this blog. UnitedHealthcare Children’s Foundation stepped up to help. Medical care is expensive and not everything is covered by insurance, so they help cover some of those expenses. Rachel’s parents were one of many recipients of a grant from this foundation.

So far, UHC Children’s Foundation has given out 13,000 grants, paying for medical expenses that children’s insurance did not cover. They want to give out 20,000 grants by the year 2020, and need us to get the word out.

I see children every week whose parents are financially crippled by copayments and deductibles,  who can’t afford the upgraded wheelchair their child needs or the physical or speech therapy sessions that are over their insurance limit. Let’s help the Children’s Foundation give them a hand.

Kids who receive grants must be 16 years of age or less, covered by commercial insurance, and live in the US; they take into consideration the severity of the illness and the parent’s financial need. Grants are up to $5000 and cover expenses from 6 months prior to the application for a period of a year.

88.9% of completed, qualifying applications are granted.

In order to get this information out, they are giving away a $50.00 Amazon gift card to one of the people who shares this blog and refers a friend. The winner will be chosen on June 30.

Enter here:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

I am being compensated to write this post, and since UHCCF is funded by donations, that check is going directly into their fund.  If you would like to contribute they would absolutely welcome your donation as well, here.

Let’s do this.

 
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Nutrition Facts: What to Grow in Your Kid’s Garden

girl with plantIn Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy wrote “Spring is the time of plans and projects.” Plans and projects keep children out of trouble–or at least involve them in safer, more manageable trouble.

What could be better than digging in the dirt and playing in a spray of water on a hot summer day? What more creative than an adventure in the wilds of your back yard? Add in sunshine, fresh air and exercise, and planting a garden becomes the springtime activity of choice.

One of the best ways to coax kids into eating what is good for them is to involve them in its preparation. They are far more likely to eat the lunch they prepared with their own two hands than one you slaved over. If they help you peel and cut up carrots for dinner they will try them, and brag about their contribution while chewing.

Extend this a bit and you reap the miracle of children eating their vegetables because they grew them in their very own garden. They planted the seeds, watched over them, watered them, and cared for them. They will proudly eat the fruits of their labor and proclaim their tastiness.

Children need a variety of vitamins and minerals in order to function and grow, and the best place to get those nutrients, along with carbs for energy and fiber for bowel function, is in fruits and vegetables. Some, like beans and peas, are even excellent sources of protein. Many of them can be grown in small plots or in containers on a porch.

Carrots can be grown easily from seeds bought in your local garden store, and are very high in Vitamin A. Vitamin A helps with eyesight–especially night vision–which is why your mom always told you to eat lots. Watermelon, peas, peppers, beans, and tomatoes also have bunches of Vitamin A.

Tomatoes, peppers, and beans are high in B complex vitamins. B vitamins like riboflavin, niacin, thiamine and folic acid are tiny machines that allow your body to function. They help with everything from making blood cells, to generating energy from carbohydrates, to scavenging free radicles and protecting you from cancer.

Strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries are high in Vitamin C, which is necessary for collagen synthesis and wound healing and is an effective antioxidant. Without Vitamin C, people get scurvy.

Minerals are also easily come by on the plant side of your plate.

Calcium to build strong bones can be found in beans.

Potatoes, beans, corn, and mushrooms are high in iron, which helps carry oxygen around your body.

Potassium, necessary for muscle contraction and to maintain your heart rhythm, is present in potatoes, berries, peas, beans, and peppers.

Essential minerals like magnesium, phosphorus, copper, and zinc are all available in fruits and vegetables.

I’ve never seen a child turn down a pea fresh from the pod, or a strawberry plucked from the plant. Find a plant catalogue, pour through it with your child, pay attention to what will grow in your area and how much room the plants need to grow, and choose. Consider what you have room for: will these be container plants on the porch, or can you spare a patch of yard? Do you have space for a tree, or are we looking at a mushroom kit in the closet?

Some of my favorite kid friendly plants are peas, beans, peppers, tomatoes, and the ever popular carrot. Melons, pumpkins, and cucumbers are great if you have a little more room. Berries come in all sizes, from tiny strawberry plants fit for containers with pockets down the side, to raspberry vines best grown on trellises, to fat thorny blackberry bushes. Tires can be stacked up and filled with dirt in a tower as potato plants grow, then harvested by taking off one tire at a time.

Growing a few plants allows you to spend time with your children, get some exercise, and build some vitamin D of your own from all that sunshine. Have a conversation about science and nutrition while you are digging in the dirt. Money can be earned and financial lessons taught by naming the watering and weeding of those plants “chores.” Other lessons can be taught without any conversation: responsibility for life, the fruitfulness of hard work, and pride of accomplishment. Don’t miss this opportunity for spring plans and projects!

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Friday Features Linky Party

Springtime Allergies: What to Do?

sneezing boy-01Allergies happen when a body’s immune defenses overreact to something in the environment. They decide that a molecule of pollen or mold is a dangerous invader and it needs to be killed. Queue the mucus, swelling and itching.

If your child has the tendency to wheeze, queue the airway spasm as well.

If he or she has sensitive skin, also expect an outbreak of dry itchy patches.

If they keep the mucus, swelling and wheezing for a while, they can develop secondary infections like earaches, sinusitis and pneumonia.

Allergies suck.

What triggers allergies? 

Kids can be allergic to a multitude of things. They can react seasonally to flowers in the spring, to grasses in the summer and fall, or to wood fires and Christmas trees in the winter. Year round allergens include molds, mildews and dust mites (tiny bugs that live in dust and upholstery and feed on flakes of skin). Many children are allergic to pets–especially cats and birds–and react to the pet’s feathers, fur, saliva or skin scale. The poisons in cigarettes are common triggers, as are fumes like perfume and air pollution. Scents and dyes in soaps and detergents can cause allergic reactions. Some kids react to contact with latex or metals like nickel.

Food allergies are different–a whole blog in themselves. Hmmm… maybe next week?

How do we prevent or treat an allergy attack? 

We can’t cure allergies–all we can do is try to keep them under control. If possible, avoid the allergen:

  • If your child is allergic to cats, don’t buy him or her a kitten. Ditto for birds, dogs, hamsters…
  • Never smoke in your house or car.
  • If the allergy is to pollens, keep your air conditioner on seasonally and buy filters that catch allergens.
  • Dust mites? Cover your child’s mattress and pillow with zip up covers designed to contain them.
  • Don’t use curtains in his or her room, or wash them weekly.
  • Limit stuffed animals to those you can wash in hot water with their bed linens once a week.
  • Vacuum daily (sorry).
  • Dust with a damp cloth (also sorry).
  • Molds? Fix any damp areas in your home. Use that bathroom vent – timers work great, and are easy to install.
  • Clear out vegetation close to the house, and discard any dead plant bits.

Medicines can help prevent allergic reactions. 

If avoidance is not enough, your munchkin can take an antihistamine as needed to block the allergic reaction. Try to stick with the newer, non-sedating antihistamines: claritin, zyrtec or allegra and their generics.

If an exposure is inevitable (“We have to go to Grandma’s and you know she has that cat!”) you can give them an antihistamine about an hour before.

If they are going to be exposed to their allergy trigger every day for a while (springtime pollen?), they can take the antihistamine every day, if you buy the non-sedating type. If their allergies are chronic, a daily steroid nose spray or a preventative medicine called Singulair (montelukast sodium) can also help prevent the symptoms.

Offer them lots of water to wash the allergens out of their system.

If they still have symptoms, allergy testing can help to pinpoint exactly what they are allergic to, so you know what to avoid or clean up. Knowledge is power. It does no good to find a new home for the cat if the child is only allergic to mold. Poor kitten.

Last, if avoidance and medication are not enough, your physician will bring up the subject of allergy shots to desensitize your munchkin to the allergen. He or she will not be thrilled.

Allergies are miserable, but there are things you can do to make your child more comfortable. Prevent the exposure if you can, and give medication if you can’t–either a short term antihistamine or longer term preventative nasal sprays or montelukast sodium.  Consider allergy testing and shots when those simpler therapies don’t work. And hydrate. Soon, the season will change.

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How to have a Stress Free Spring Break with Kids

little cute girl near the pool with a circle for swimming

Spring Break! Time for the Family Vacation. So how do you have fun without going insane? I, of course, have my top ten!

10. Pack a simple medicine kit: don’t waste a day of vacation at the doctor’s office, refilling the prescription you forgot at home. Take:

  • any prescription meds your child sometimes needs, even if they haven’t used them in a while (asthma and allergy meds come to mind)
  • frequently used over-the-counter stuff: acetaminophen or ibuprofen, an antihistamine, insect repellant with DEET (the other stuff really doesn’t work, and insect borne encephalitis is unpleasant), sunscreen, and hand sanitizer
  • basic first aid supplies (band aids, gauze pads, tape, antibiotic ointment, cortisone cream, alcohol, tweezers, scissors, thermometer)

9.  Write out a budget before you go. I know, I am a fun sucker, but it has to be done. Know how much money you have and where you plan to spend it. Give the kids an allowance for souvenirs. They will be more careful with money they consider their own, and they will not be constantly asking for things. “Can I have that?” can be answered with “Sure, it’s your money. But are you positive that is where you want to spend it? There might be something better later…” Also, knowing how much you yourself have to spend will save you stress and regret later.

8.  Keep to healthy foods most of the time. (Here I go, sucking out the fun again!) Kids will have more energy, feel better and have a better attitude if they are nourished. And it’s cheaper. Have a basket of fruit available, some whole grain crackers, cheese, peanut butter, popcorn – food with nutrients. Don’t waste valuable vacation time sitting in the drive thru line and arguing over food.

7.  Keep to established routines when you can. Bring along a book for that bedtime story, keep bed time the same, set aside time for their bath. Kids don’t always deal well with change, and vacations are all about change. A few familiar routines will help them feel less stressed. A full night’s sleep is an absolute necessity if you don’t want an emotional wreck for a kid.

6.  Keep an eye on the little ones. You are in a different environment with new dangers. Distractions abound. Kids on vacation get lost, or get into Grandma’s meds or the local pool. Check out my summer safety tips.

5.  Find interesting things to keep their brains busy. Bored kids whine, and then they find their own version of interesting things. Have a stock of books, games and videos for the car. Bring a journal for them to write in, and art supplies. Explore the area you travel to – Google it before you go. See the sights, hit the museums, find the local artists and craftsmen. Check out ideas to abolish summer boredom.

4.  Keep your own mind open to new and different ways of doing things, so that your kids will do the same. Kids internalize their parent’s judgments, and they will close down their minds and wipe possibilities out of their lives if that is the example you set.

3.  Keep them physically active as well. A tired kid is less stressed, sleeps better, and is not sitting around thinking of ways to get into trouble.

2.  Keep stress to a minimum. Use a GPS if you’re driving: arguments with the navigator have ruined many a vacation. Keep your expectations in line with the actual possibilities, to avoid disapointment. Don’t overschedule – leave time for that relaxing hike and to have a conversation over dinner. Stay within your budget – your hindbrain will know you are overspending and your stress will mount. Stressed out people snap at each other and cannot enjoy time or family.

1.  Align your vacation with your priorities, then toss out the rest. What are the goals of this vacation? Relaxation, family time, memories, enrichment, joy? Plan the vacation and activities that will get you there, and don’t let exhaustion, stress, and fear get in your way. Don’t stop at Uncle Joe’s house if you know he will stress you out; don’t vacation with those friends who overspend or forget to pay their half of the bill. Don’t worry if the kids are getting dirty or if your Aunt Judy wouldn’t approve. Just say no, open up, and relax.

And have a fantastic vacation!

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Toward a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation

The last two week’s blogs were The X’s and Y’s of Sex (chromosomes and the physical aspects of sexual identity) and What’s the Deal with Gender? (gender identity) This week is all about sexual orientation.

Sexual Orientation 

Sad child on black background. Portrait depression girlGender identity and sexual orientation are not the same thing. Your gender is what you are and how you see yourself. Your sexual orientation is who you are attracted to.

Again, the kindergarten version was somewhat simplified. Sexual orientation is more of a range, with people who are completely heterosexual at one end and people who are completely homosexual at the other. In the middle are the rest. About one in ten to one in fourteen people will define themselves as homosexual. That percentage crosses boundaries of race, religion, and background. It is the same no matter how children are parented. Homosexual behavior is even present in most other species. It is biology. It is not a choice.

If you decide to believe it is a choice, you are indulging in weakness and delusion, and you run the risk of destroying your children. Get over it.

Sexual orientation is firmly established by middle school. We don’t see it until adolescence only because that is when sexual behavior rears its terrifying head. Sending your teenager for religious or psychiatric counseling will not change their orientation. They cannot “pray themselves straight.” Why would you want them to? Remember that unconditional love and acceptance you promised when you saw their newborn cuteness? Pay up. Your children will need your acceptance; there are a multitude of ignorant bullies out there just waiting for someone to pick on.

It will be hard. All those dreams you had for your children will be a effected by this revelation. He or she wanted to be a teacher? There will be difficulties. You hoped for grandchildren? Possible still, but not as simple. They will be harassed, labeled, and assaulted. Their self-esteem will be challenged. The rates of depression are higher in homosexuals, as are the rates of suicide, alcoholism, and drug abuse.

Kids who are dealing with being homosexual miss an average of two weeks more school per year than heterosexuals–with a resultant cost in learning–because we are insecure and afraid, and we tolerate bullying.

The most frequent argument against homosexuality is that it is against the Bible. Yep, it is. The Old Testament–the new one has no comment–written around eight thousand years ago, before we had any understanding of biology or chromosomes or inheritance, said that it is a sin. Then it contradicted itself and said that David and Jonathan’s love for each other was beautiful and eternal. It also said that slavery is fine, that it was all right to sell our daughters, that we need to put to death anyone found working on a Sunday, and that a thief should have his hand cut off. It said marriage was a contract between one man and as many wives as he could afford.

We can use the Bible to uphold almost any opinion: the stories are there to support anything from slavery to murder. We have chosen in recent times not to follow many of the ancient traditions from biblical times. I, for instance, may have thought about selling my daughter a time or two, but I never actually did it. I quite enjoy bacon, and I wear fabric blends on a regular basis. It seems more about human nature than the strict desire to follow the Bible literally that we choose the one text that allows us to feel superior and to judge, while discarding other tracts that are also obviously outdated.

Would it not be better to assume that a higher being would not want us to judge and hate his creations? Particularly when that creation is our own child?

Cultures pick out minorities to bully in order to unite their group and feel superior. We like to feel like we are better than the othersThose people are not welcome in our group.

Why not simply be better instead? Judge not? Not throw that first stone? Concentrate on improving ourselves so that we won’t have to put others down to feel that we have value? Then, if our children have questions, they will not be afraid to come to us for answers.

Let’s give our kids a safe, nurturing environment in which they can thrive. If we are secure in our own selves, we do not need to throw our insular craziness into our children’s lives. If your immediate impulse is to judge and hate, look into yourself for the cure. Ignorance and stupidity are not fertile ground for love and acceptance. Love the child you have—not the one you imagined. That one doesn’t need you or your love; this one does.

 

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What’s the Deal with Gender?

Last week’s blog, The X’s and Y’s of Sex, was about chromosomes and the physical aspects of sexual identity. This week is all about gender identity.

girl-playing-doc-01Gender

Webster’s Dictionary defines gender as “the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex.”

Note the total lack of chromosome analysis or exacting descriptions of genitalia? That is because gender identity is not the same as sex; it is a collection of traits typically associated with one sex or another in whatever culture you belong. Pleated skirts? Scottish men in the 1600s. High heels? Frenchmen in the time of Louis XIV. Guyliner? Egyptian men did it first. Women in pants? Heavens, no … not before Katherine Hepburn.

Gender identity is not wired to your reproductive system and it has nothing to do with your sexual orientation; it is in your mind and soul. We don’t understand the biology of gender identification any more than the Romans understood chromosomes. That does not make it less real.

Children start identifying with their own gender by one year of age; by two years, they recognize physical differences. By three, your pediatrician will get a decisive answer to “Are you a boy or a girl?” The label is firmly attached.

After three, children gravitate toward whatever activities their society attaches to their gender. If they were a male born in the time of Louis XIV, this would mean wearing a wig and high heels; now it means appreciating cars and playing sports. It is not any specifc activity; it is what society dictates.

Children in their middle years will gravitate toward their own sex. They play the games the other boys or girls play, develop the physical mannerisms typical of their sex, and role-play behavior specific to their sex. They conform. When they conform, they feel comfortable, safe, and self-confident.

Gender Identity

For some kids, conforming isn’t easy. They know early on that they belong in the opposite sex. They choose the opposite sex as their peer group and role-play the opposite roles. They cannot accept their biological sex.

Counseling can help these kids deal, but in no way does it change their gender identity.

This is not the girl who is a “tomboy” or the boy who has some feminine traits. This is the person who in his mind is a boy stuck in the body of a girl, or the opposite. People with gender “confusion” can be miserable every day of their lives. Their whole lives are lies, down to their most basic identity.

Lately we have chosen to make this worse by making it a political and religious issue, I assume so we who are not transexual can feel superior and have the fun of judging and condemning other people. (No, there is not one mention of it in the Bible, so don’t go there.)

Why don’t we practice a little empathy instead? We are each of us not perfect, and we all want the same things in life: air to breathe, shelter, love…

If we have a need to hate and condemn, the problem is in our own minds, not in a stranger’s behavior.

So we’ve talked about the X’s and Y’s and gender; next week is all about sexual orientation.

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The X’s and Y’s of Sex: What Makes a Boy or a Girl

Infant feet-01Remember high school biology? You were taught that humans had forty-six chromosomes. There were two each of twenty-two pairs, and then there were your sex chromosomes, the Xs and Ys. If you had two X chromosomes (XX), you were a girl. An X and a Y (XY) made you a boy.

It’s not actually that simple. That is the most common arrangement, but there are many variations. When you have a variation on any other chromosome, it causes physical issues that are unfortunate and sometimes deadly. If you have three number twenty-one chromosomes you have Down’s syndrome, and your life will be different.

We don’t ever blame the child, right? Nobody asked them if they wanted the usual forty-six chromosomes or if they would mind having an extra. It’s not their fault.

When the extra or missing chromosomes are the Xs or Ys, suddenly we involve social judgment and religion. Why? I can only assume that we are all so uncomfortable with sexuality that we would rather judge than understand.

You’re reading the wrong blog if you wanted to get away with that.

Variations

One in 840 male births are an XYY. We used to think that this made the men more violent because the tests were all done on men in prisons. Once we started testing men who were not in prison, it turned out that there weren’t actually many differences. Most are completely normal. There is a mild tendency toward tallness, poor fine motor control, weakness, and some speech and language issues. Most of these guys never know they aren’t the typical XY.

One in 500 males have XXY, or Klinefelter’s disease. These kids do have some physical issues, such as a tendency toward long limbs, smaller genitals, and slightly less intelligence than they would have had without that extra chromosome.

When you get into larger numbers of chromosomes, you see more problems. XXYY and XXXY kids tend to need testosterone replacement. XXXY and XXXXY kids tend to be short with small genitals, mental defciency, and elbow issues.

Without any Y chromosome, we get girl babies. XXX girls are usually tall and sometimes uncoordinated. Rather like the XYY males, most won’t ever know they have it. Girls with as many as five X chromosomes have been found. The more X chromosomes they have, the more problems: they tend to become shorter, with mental defciency and behavior issues.

About one in 2,000 live births are XO girls who are missing one X or Y chromosome. They have Turner’s syndrome. They have lymphedema (fluid swelling under the skin) before they are born and frequently have extra skin at the neck. They tend to be short, with wide chests and gonadal dysgenesis (sex organs that do not develop normally).

To add to all these variants, we have mosaics: two fertilized eggs fuse so that the resultant person has half a body with the typical XX or XY and half a body with a variation.

Variations with the Usual Chromosome Count

There are also variations that occur with the typical complement of chromosomes.

Girls with testicular feminization have 46XY. Their chromosomes say “boy,” but their bodies are insensitive to testosterone. They grow up as girls and don’t realize there is a problem until adolescence, when fertility issues arise.

Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH) will give you a baby that has been virilized. On a girl, the clitoris will be enlarged, and the labia can become fused. It is difficult to tell when the baby is born if it is a boy or a girl until the chromosomes come back. Since the first question everyone asks is “Is it a boy or a girl?” this can be very traumatic to the families involved.

Adrenocortical tumors can also be virilizing, giving the child more masculine traits than they otherwise would have had.

Enough? There are many more. Biology is not as simple as they taught you in grade school, and throwing judgment and religion at it does not change it or help in any way. Ignorance is ugly.

The gender issues and sexual orientation parts of this blog got really long, so…

Come back next week please!

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How to Help Teenagers with Grief

CinemaUsher-01Our teenagers get to deal, today, with issues we hoped they wouldn’t see until they were adults–sudden trauma, injury, and grief. Teenagers are different, and you need to know how to help them. When you have a moment, here are some tips:

We have all heard about the 5 stages of grief that adults travel through, from denial to acceptance. The teenage brain is very different than the adult brain, and these stages don’t necessarily fit. Their journey through shock and grief is more individual and variable, with side trips and dangerous pitfalls.

Unfortunately, they sometimes travel this journey alone, as their parents are themselves derailed by shock and grief.

They travel it when their brains are in transition, when their impulse control is slim and they have trouble seeing very far into the future, where the consequences of their actions reside.

They choose their path at a time when they are struggling to achieve independence from their parents and control over their own lives, and they feel the need to find their own identity and act.

They will need watching.

Our children do not expect to have to deal with grief, so the first, most common reaction is shock, and then denial. But the teenaged brain is not the adult brain. They do not travel a straight path from there through anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, as an adult might.

They can go down a side path into the excitement of being in a real life drama, and enjoyment of being the center of attention. Then they feel guilty because they were excited and, for a moment, happy.

They can feel like it was their fault: they just said those horrible things about this kid the other day! The accident happened because they wished it on him or her! They didn’t mean it!

Children are not always rational.

They can explode or become agressive, unable to control the powerful, overwhelming emotions churning inside them. Adults know that they will feel better in time; children live in the now, with no hope of feeling better.

When the excitement fades, they may do things to rekindle the show. Maybe if I drink too much or swallow some pills I will be the center of attention again? Maybe my parents will notice something other than their own grief? And why be good anyway if all it gets you is pain?

They can sometimes become fascinated with death–in it they see the solution to all of their own problems. Could they be strong enough, or brave enough, to end their own lives? They might try some exciting, near death “games” just to see how it feels, or to test themselves. Trauma is contagious.

They frequently feel isolated and alone. Their grief cuts them off from others, making them different right at the age when they most want to fit in. They may refuse to admit they hurt at all because they don’t want to be different, or seen as weak.

They may feel the need to do something to help the situation. Their parents are suffering; maybe if they lock down their own grief they can fix everything, make their parents feel better?

Many of these side paths are not likely to give you the happy, healthy child you desire.

So what is a parent to do?

First, pay attention. Don’t assume they are fine – poke into their business and bother them. Hang out in their space. Sooner or later they will talk. Listen. They will have crazy ideas that make no sense, and unexpected questions that you thought they already knew the answers to. Take them seriously and answer them honestly. Never lie, because they need to be able to trust you. There is no need to pretend you know all the answers. Let them know that they are not ever alone.

Whatever path through grief that they choose is normal, and different than any other path trod before, by anyone. Often teenagers will grieve in bits and pieces, and seem better in between. Unexpectedly, something will trigger a wave of grief that will overwhelm them. A wrong word, a food, a smell, some anniversary – grief will knock their knees out from under them. Normal adolescent emotional swings will be exaggerated. They will get headaches and stomach aches, they will feel exhausted, or they will act out or withdraw. Grades may plummet either as a way of acting out or because they cannot concentrate. They may not sleep, or they may sleep too much. Any of these are normal.

Try to keep to routines and a normal life as much as possible. Expect decent behavior: enforce all the usual rules because safety and security reside in what is known and routine. Allow the grief. Remember the person you grieve over in whatever way helps your child: pray, write in a journal, paint a picture… Talk about times spent with them. Share your own experiences with grief and loss. Let them help in any way they can with any arrangements that need to be made – people feel better when they are busy and have accomplished something.

Be there when they need you, give them the opportunity to grieve, and watch them for behaviors that are more destructive than helpful. Grief never ends, but it evolves into a more acceptable form, and people can learn to live their lives and think about something else.

If you or your child need help to get there, ask. There is help available at the end of a phone call if you are having trouble navigating through on your own. There are many of us whose life work is to be there to help when there is need.

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