Gay

Toward a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation

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The last two week’s blogs were The X’s and Y’s of Sex (chromosomes and the physical aspects of sexual identity) and What’s the Deal with Gender? (gender identity) This week is all about sexual orientation.

Sexual Orientation 

Sad child on black background. Portrait depression girlGender identity and sexual orientation are not the same thing. Your gender is what you are and how you see yourself. Your sexual orientation is who you are attracted to.

Again, the kindergarten version was somewhat simplified. Sexual orientation is more of a range, with people who are completely heterosexual at one end and people who are completely homosexual at the other. In the middle are the rest. About one in ten to one in fourteen people will define themselves as homosexual. That percentage crosses boundaries of race, religion, and background. It is the same no matter how children are parented. Homosexual behavior is even present in most other species. It is biology. It is not a choice.

If you decide to believe it is a choice, you are indulging in weakness and delusion, and you run the risk of destroying your children. Get over it.

Sexual orientation is firmly established by middle school. We don’t see it until adolescence only because that is when sexual behavior rears its terrifying head. Sending your teenager for religious or psychiatric counseling will not change their orientation. They cannot “pray themselves straight.” Why would you want them to? Remember that unconditional love and acceptance you promised when you saw their newborn cuteness? Pay up. Your children will need your acceptance; there are a multitude of ignorant bullies out there just waiting for someone to pick on.

It will be hard. All those dreams you had for your children will be a effected by this revelation. He or she wanted to be a teacher? There will be difficulties. You hoped for grandchildren? Possible still, but not as simple. They will be harassed, labeled, and assaulted. Their self-esteem will be challenged. The rates of depression are higher in homosexuals, as are the rates of suicide, alcoholism, and drug abuse.

Kids who are dealing with being homosexual miss an average of two weeks more school per year than heterosexuals–with a resultant cost in learning–because we are insecure and afraid, and we tolerate bullying.

The most frequent argument against homosexuality is that it is against the Bible. Yep, it is. The Old Testament–the new one has no comment–written around eight thousand years ago, before we had any understanding of biology or chromosomes or inheritance, said that it is a sin. Then it contradicted itself and said that David and Jonathan’s love for each other was beautiful and eternal. It also said that slavery is fine, that it was all right to sell our daughters, that we need to put to death anyone found working on a Sunday, and that a thief should have his hand cut off. It said marriage was a contract between one man and as many wives as he could afford.

We can use the Bible to uphold almost any opinion: the stories are there to support anything from slavery to murder. We have chosen in recent times not to follow many of the ancient traditions from biblical times. I, for instance, may have thought about selling my daughter a time or two, but I never actually did it. I quite enjoy bacon, and I wear fabric blends on a regular basis. It seems more about human nature than the strict desire to follow the Bible literally that we choose the one text that allows us to feel superior and to judge, while discarding other tracts that are also obviously outdated.

Would it not be better to assume that a higher being would not want us to judge and hate his creations? Particularly when that creation is our own child?

Cultures pick out minorities to bully in order to unite their group and feel superior. We like to feel like we are better than the others. Those people are not welcome in our group.

Why not simply be better instead? Judge not? Not throw that first stone? Concentrate on improving ourselves so that we won’t have to put others down to feel that we have value? Then, if our children have questions, they will not be afraid to come to us for answers.

Let’s give our kids a safe, nurturing environment in which they can thrive. If we are secure in our own selves, we do not need to throw our insular craziness into our children’s lives. If your immediate impulse is to judge and hate, look into yourself for the cure. Ignorance and stupidity are not fertile ground for love and acceptance. Love the child you have—not the one you imagined. That one doesn’t need you or your love; this one does.

 

The Blogger's Pit Stop

Bullying, and the Battle for Equality

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Hasardous waste-01This week I have been called immoral, evil, ignorant, and bigoted. I was told I care nothing about children (this after almost 30 years as a pediatrician). I was told that I was going to burn in hell. It has been a very odd week.

None of these things sounded much like the me I know and love.

Each time I was simply standing up for what I believed was right, and the “adults” with whom I was conversing were so astonished when I did not simply cave to their obvious superiority that they went straight to name calling, rather than reason.

I could almost feel the thrill they took in shouting their beliefs from their shaky mountain top, refusing to even consider a different viewpoint.

I am a grown up, I can hold to my beliefs and not shed a tear, but oddly… it still hurt.

So how must it feel as a 10 year old, when enormous adults are towering over you, talking at you and not giving you a moment to speak for yourself? How, when the popular kid in class, the one with all the social power, calls you a dork and shoves you into a wall? How, when you know you are different and different is immoral, ignorant, and hell bound, if only because it does not sanctify their views and might poke a hole in the fragile balloon of their security?

We are fighting in the streets now, for equality not based on religious views, skin color, sex, or sexual preference. I wonder if the people demanding they be respected even though they are Muslim, or Black, see that their fight is the same as those that demand equality even though they are gay. Do the women ( and the Pope! ) fighting for equal pay see their battle as a part of the never-ending fight for all humans to respect each other as equals?

Can we ever get to a point where we realize that no one wins, as long as someone else looses?

That someone else’s success does not subtract from or in any way prevent ours?

As usual with social change, evolution must start with the children. Children are pure potential; their minds are open, interested, and willing to love. A baby looks at any face with wide open eyes and an ear-to-ear smile, not caring what color or sex that face is, what church they go to, or whom they love. We as their parents and teachers sometimes ruin that. We damage their beautiful, open minds and darken their young hearts, forcing our reality upon them. We teach them to smirk and squint, to judge and condemn.

If we want our children to be happy and fulfilled, to be able to think and create, and to be open to the opportunities the world puts in their paths, we must examine our own thoughts, pack the ugly ones up and cart them off. When we catch ourselves starting to say something unkind, we must stop. When we find ourselves treating someone as if they are less, we need to realize that this gives permission for another person to treat our child as if he or she is less. If our children see us treat every person with respect, they will know they also are deserving of respect, simply because everyone is.

Take the positives from our separate cultures and celebrate them, but allow that other cultures have positives too.

Be proud of our accomplishments, but also find it in our hearts to congratulate others on theirs.

Step up when someone is cruel.

Understand that we are not fighting for Gay Rights or Black Justice or Women’s Rights, but for Equality. We cannot hold onto our own rights if we do not grant everyone else theirs. It makes no sense to insist that a person respect our beliefs and then turn around and denigrate theirs. It is immoral to campaign for Black justice then go home and vomit up ugliness about gays or women; to fight for equal pay for women then turn around and gossip about the mixed race marriage down the block.

Until we can give respect, we ourselves do not deserve it, and our children will follow in our path.

When we stand up to our own bullies (especially the ones squatting in our own brains), we teach our children how to stand up to theirs, and they will be able to grasp and hold the life we wish for them.

Perhaps now is a good time to remember the words of Martin Niemöller (1892–1984):

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—

     Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—

     Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—

     Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

 

 

Hey Mom, Chris has Two Dads!

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rainbowweddingbandsI was asked recently what people should tell their children about gay marriage. Apparently there are many opinions on the interwebs. My initial thought was, why is this a problem?

Then I remembered my mother and her friends gossiping about the man next door who – gasp! – had married a Philippino! And later, about the woman down the street who was, dear lord, divorced!! I remembered hiding around the corner, listening, soaking it up and feeling, for a little while, that I was somehow better than their kids. They were less, so I must be more. One small dark spot was added to my soul.

I have given it some serious thought, because this really is a big deal: having respect for every other person as your absolute equal is essential to living a true, honest life and valuing your own individuality and potential. You cannot despise another person without letting rot into your own core.

So here it is:

Tell them marriage is a contract between two people who love each other, promising that they are and will always be on the same team. They will take on life together to accomplish whatever goals they have in mind, whether it be building a home, raising children, or saving the world. From that moment on they will have someone to stand beside them on their path, and guard their backs in times of trouble.

Tell them that marriage is both a cultural tradition and a legal contract. People celebrate marriage in as many ways as there are societies. They arrive on elephants, walk down aisles in churches, and stand under tents together to celebrate their joy in finding a partner. What matters is the validation of this contract with the people closest to them as witnesses, not the details of the particular tradition.

Marriage is also a legal contract, recognized by the laws of the land, and effects everything from how a married couple holds their money and owns their home to how taxes are paid and medical decisions are made.

You didn’t honestly think your kids would care which parts go where, did you? Your problems are not their problems, until you make them so.

What to say?

So, when your child comes home and announces that their new friend Chris has two moms, or two dads, the proper response is “… and?” in the exact same tone of voice that you would use if they announced that Chris had a mom and a dad. “Did you like them? Were they nice to you? Did you have fun?”

Problems start when society’s prejudices poke their nastiness into your child’s innocent brain. Humans don’t deal well with change, and in the matter of gay marriage change is certain. In the same way the fight for racial equality or women’s rights made tiny people do horrible things, the inevitability of equal marriage rights under the law is making people ugly. The future will view them in the same way we now view the forced feeding of women fighting for the right to vote, or the beating of Black men and women fighting for the right to an equal education, but for now we have to deal with their influence on our children.

No two people ever travel the same path, but fear pushes people into a dark pit that demands that their path is the right one, the only proper one, the one that everyone should travel. For them to be secure there cannot be options. These fearful people tend to be loud and righteous, and fling their knives without caring where they land and what damage they do. If you want your child to grow strong and straight, and not be ruled by fear and bigotry, you will need to do damage control.

What to do

Apologize for people’s narrow minded bigotry, and let your child know that you are glad they told you about that ugly thing they heard, or that they were confused. Explain that some people are damaged on the inside, and judging others makes them feel better, like putting a bandage on a wound; that some people are not terribly smart and cannot figure this stuff out; and, worse, some people actually choose not to think, because it is easier.

Explain that this is not acceptable behavior, and you hope that they will not be so thoughtlessly cruel to someone just because they can.

Explain that you hope they will follow their own path bravely, stand up for what is right, and not feel any need to shrink who they are when confronted with bullying and bigotry. Reassure them that your wish for them is to find someone to partner with who loves them, supports them in their choices, and can grow with them through the years of their lives; not someone of a predefined age, skin color, religion, or sex. Explain that you love them, and loving them without limits illuminates that dark pit so that you can love the rest of the people sharing their world a little better, respecting their lives and choices.