Many parenting issues seem to be all about control. Parents make rules and then enforce them; cook food and convince the children to eat it; educate young minds and teach them right from wrong. Being a parent brings with it a mountain of responsibility, and the authority needed to do the job.
I’ve been thinking lately about the other side of the coin. What role does letting go of that control play in parenting?
When we are pregnant or our progeny are small, we are completely responsible for those small creations, and we make all of the decisions about their lives. Remember the terrifying responsibility of holding a tiny, fragile new being in your arms? At least that small person didn’t argue with you over the necessity of being in a car seat, or sleeping on their back! Later, we put their small arms and legs into clothes we like, and hold their hands as we walk them to the dance or art class we choose. We choose the home in which they grow, the religion they practice, and the school they attend.
Somewhere along the line that absolute control begins to evaporate, we loosen our grip and our children begin to choose their own direction.
Perhaps it starts with that first strident “No!” to the clothes we have chosen, or evolves later with a demand to take a course in auto mechanics instead of ballet. Perhaps they refuse to study in a class they hate, or ask to go to their friend’s church instead of yours.
They become increasingly independent, take on more responsibility for their own lives, and our influence wanes.
Life itself has more of an impact than we would sometimes choose. Disappointments and loss are inevitable, and possibly essential for normal development. Nothing can make a parent feel more powerless than when a child is injured or sick. Heartbreak strengthens our souls and allows us to appreciate real love later, but it is hard to watch it happen to the one you never wanted to see hurt.
Worse, how do you manage when your child is simply not built in a way that coincides with their dreams? When they are not tall enough, or pretty enough, or talented enough, and they have to realign their futures to a different reality? How, when random chance throws them sideways? There is sometimes simply nothing in your parenting arsenal that will help.
How do you manage when, in order to build their future, they have to leave another part of their lives (perhaps the part in which you are standing) behind?
They will never know who they truly are and be able to choose the direction of their lives if we dictate all of their decisions. So we as parents need to learn to step back and empower them, rather than holding all that power close ourselves. We need to allow them to risk hurt, while we place the weight of their lives on their own shoulders, so that they can become our equals rather than our dependents.
Over time, we assume more of a supporting role. We are there if they need love, if they ask for help, or if they want to bounce ideas, but we no longer determine and fix their lives. Powerlessness is proof of successful parenting.
So, letting go.
Perhaps we start when we hold up two outfits and ask them which one they want to wear. We keep control of the things that keep them safe, making them wear seat belts and bike helmets, locking up guns, making them get their shots – but let them choose which sport they want to play, what they want to learn, and who they want to associate with. We let them fail a test or loose a friend, even though we can see it coming and they cannot. We protect them from choices that will destroy their future (drugs, sex, destructive relationships…), but accept their decisions in other areas. It is their life, not ours.
We force ourselves to let go, and step back. We will no doubt be angry, or sad, over some of their choices. We may feel guilty when they fail and we could have helped. We will have trouble finding where the line is, where that point is that we need to step back.
How to Nurture Self-confidence in Your Child
In the last several weeks I have seen a mother trying to make her daughter look prettier (she was beautiful without the make-up), a father pushing a son better built for track into football, and a parent making fun of a son’s drawings.
These parents might someday wonder why their children did not have the self-confidence to achieve more in life.
Let’s not do that.
So… top ten ways to nurture a confident child
- The most important single factor in building a child’s self esteem is unconditional love from their parents. Children need to be certain that no matter what dumb thing they do, or how badly they fail, you will love them. You may not always like what they’ve done, but you will always have their back. They will have the courage to try, when they are sure you will catch them if they fall.
- Give your child a chance at success by laying out clear expectations; they need to know what success is in order to achieve it. Nothing will destroy self-confidence more quickly than trying to shoot at a moving target. What do you hope to see in your child: honesty? hard work? creativity? Be consistent. If you want them to be honest, then you need to be stringently honest in your own life, and require it of them in every part of theirs. No telling your child not to lie, then suggesting a fib about their schoolwork! Expect hard work? Work alongside them, and let them know how much you appreciate their labor. Exhibit, and reward, the behavior you want to see.
- Make your expectations something at which your individual child can succeed. Any child can give their best, work hard, be true to themselves, and be honest. Not every child can be a football star, brilliant musician, or great artist. If your expectation is that your child try new things and do his or her best, then they can succeed at putting paint on canvas, and they will feel pride in their accomplishment.
- Find activities in which your child will thrive. You may have to try a few new things; break out the ballet classes and art lessons. Learn to throw a ball. Read books, tour a museum, travel… Explore the world in which your child will live his or her life. Nothing will build self-esteem like success, so seek out and encourage activities they love or for which they have a talent.
- Be interested in what inspires them. It’s impossible not to be: you are interested in their hair color and their height, how could you not be interested in their minds and talents? In the end, if mom or dad is interested, they will know that their accomplishments – and they themselves – have value.
- Allow time for free play and creative activity. Children do amazing things when they are allowed access to their own imaginations. Freedom will allow them to get in touch with their innate abilities, so that they can discover their best future. Self-confidence thrives when we do work at which we excel.
- Examine your own mind. Any left over preconceptions that might injure your child? Your small human is new. He or she embodies a combination of mind, talent, and ability that has never existed before. If you think science is the most important subject, but gave birth to a poet, you need to make sure that small poet doesn’t get the idea that you would have been happier if he or she could grasp algebra.
- Expect them to fail: the only people who do not fail are those who do not try. Show them with your own behavior that failure is a learning opportunity, so they will not think that they have less worth when they, in turn, fail. Let them watch you try new things. When you fail, make sure they see you accept that failure and learn from it, so that you can succeed next time. When they fail, tell them it was great that they tried, and redirect them to what they can do differently next time, so that they will get better. No defeatist talk, for the entire duration of their childhood!
- Spend time with friends with like interests, and friends who are completely different. Friends who value the same things your child does will reinforce his or her worth; friends who are very different will teach your child that every person has equal grace, whether their talents lie in building an app, a home, or a business.
- Be true and honest. Your children know you, and will know when you are not being real. Children do amazing things every day: there is no need for fake, meaningless praise. You love this child, therefore you love and will value the things that he or she is good at, even if you never thought you would before you became a parent. True praise builds healthy self-confidence.
While you’re at it, work on your own confidence. The world has probably battered it a bit. Children will always follow our example. If that example is self-confidence, courage, and honesty, how far might they go?
Ten Tips from the Doc: Summer Vacation Success
School’s out! Time for the Family Vacation. So how do you have fun without going insane? I, of course, have my top ten!
10. Pack a simple medicine kit: don’t waste a day of vacation at the doctor’s office, refilling the prescription you forgot at home. Take:
- any prescription meds your child sometimes needs, even if they haven’t used them in a while (asthma and allergy meds come to mind)
- frequently used over-the-counter stuff: acetaminophen or ibuprofen, an antihistamine, insect repellant with DEET (the other stuff really doesn’t work, and insect borne encephalitis is unpleasant), sunscreen, and hand sanitizer
- basic first aid supplies (band aids, gauze pads, tape, antibiotic ointment, cortisone cream, alcohol, tweezers, scissors, thermometer)
9. Write out a budget before you go. I know, I am a fun sucker, but it has to be done. Know how much money you have and where you plan to spend it. Give the kids an allowance for souvenirs. They will be more careful with money they consider their own, and they will not be constantly asking for things. “Can I have that?” can be answered with “Sure, it’s your money. But are you positive that is where you want to spend it? There might be something better later…” Also, knowing how much you yourself have to spend will save you stress and regret later.
8. Keep to healthy foods most of the time. (Here I go, sucking out the fun again!) Kids will have more energy, feel better and have a better attitude if they are nourished. And it’s cheaper. Have a basket of fruit available, some whole grain crackers, cheese, peanut butter, popcorn – food with nutrients. Don’t waste valuable vacation time sitting in the drive thru line and arguing over food.
7. Keep to established routines when you can. Bring along a book for that bedtime story, keep bed time the same, set aside time for their bath. Kids don’t always deal well with change, and vacations are all about change. A few familiar routines will help them feel less stressed. And a full night’s sleep is an absolute necessity if you don’t want an emotional wreck for a kid.
6. Keep an eye on the little ones. You are in a different environment with new dangers. Distractions abound. Kids on vacation get lost, or get into Grandma’s meds or the local pool. Check out my summer safety tips.
5. Find interesting things to keep their brains busy. Bored kids whine, and then they find their own version of interesting things. Have a stock of books, games and videos for the car. Bring a journal for them to write in, and art supplies. Explore the area you travel to – Google it before you go. See the sights, hit the museums, find the local artists and craftsmen. Check out ideas to abolish summer boredom.
4. Keep your own mind open to new and different ways of doing things, so that your kids will do the same. Kids internalize their parent’s judgments, and they will close down their minds and wipe possibilities out of their lives if that is the example you set.
3. Keep them physically active as well. A tired kid is less stressed, sleeps better, and is not sitting around thinking of ways to get into trouble.
2. Keep stress to a minimum. Use a GPS if you’re driving: arguments with the navigator have ruined many a vacation. Keep your expectations in line with the actual possibilities, to avoid disapointment. Don’t overschedule – leave time for that relaxing hike and to have a conversation over dinner. Stay within your budget – your hindbrain will know you are overspending and your stress will mount. Stressed out people snap at each other and cannot enjoy time or family.
1. Align your vacation with your priorities, then toss out the rest. What are the goals of this vacation? Relaxation, family time, memories, enrichment, joy? Plan the vacation and activities that will get you there, and don’t let exhaustion, stress, and fear get in your way. Don’t stop at Uncle Joe’s house if you know he will stress you out; don’t vacation with those friends who overspend or forget to pay their half of the bill. Don’t worry if the kids are getting dirty or if your Aunt Judy wouldn’t approve. Just say no, open up, and relax.
And have a fantastic vacation!
My Rant: It is not Malpractice to be Tired
Fair warning: I am on a rant. Skip this one is you don’t want to hear me whine.
In the last few days I have seen doctors in the media picked on because they fell asleep (“Doc, there are patients who need to be seen!”), because they were burnt out, and because they didn’t smile, explain things thoroughly, and ask about the patient’s home life while checking for an ear infection. Doctors fought back with comments about their long hours, intense work schedules, and exhaustion.
It didn’t work. The comments just changed to: “Well, fight for better hours!” Or: “Be willing to make less money!” (umm, I did go into pediatrics…) One person was actually so narrow minded and idiotic as to tell us we were harming patients by working too hard, and that it was sheer laziness that kept us from improving our schedules. That we “were keeping our heads buried in the sand” so that we did not see the important issue: that the business of medicine was as important as the practice of medicine. That what we were doing was “not good enough,” and that doctors never fight for anything. How that person knitted all those ideas together in one head is beyond me, and I don’t believe that I, or any other doctor, deserved it.
First, no one was harmed in any of the situations. The sleeping doc got up and went back to work, probably better for the quick power nap. The child whose doc did not smile and ask about their home life nevertheless fit that child into her already full schedule and took excellent care of her. I have in thirty years never harmed a child because I was exhausted. I did once tell a mother that I was too tired to care for her child and would find them another doc, after which I walked back to the office, sat down, passed out and had a seizure. Doctoring is a different sort of job.
Second, doctors have been fighting far longer than I have been one. We fight with insurance companies every day. Through the AAP we fight in the legislature for pediatric issues. We fight for universal vaccination. We fight for neglected kids, for abused kids, for healthy foods in schools…
Last, our heads are about as far out of the sand as they can get, as we care for children whose parents have poured boiling water over them, for teenage girls gang raped at parties, for gay children who are thinking of slashing their wrists…
There are a limited number of hours in the day, and every single time the kids matter more than how overworked we are.
The one thing that I am never willing to compromise is the care of my patients. Jumping from “doctors are overworked and stressed” to “doctors are harming patients because they are overworked and stressed” is a leap. The data actually proves otherwise.
Presuming we can simply work less and everything will be fine is naïve.
One of the biggest problems right now is that there are simply not enough docs, and fewer of them are going into and staying in primary care. Those of us in the trenches cannot do less when there is no one to take up the slack. Legislation can not fix this problem, and the fact that we are judged and condemned at every turn just puts another nail in the coffin of primary care. The doc above fit an extra patient into her day, took care of the acute problem, and was spat upon because she didn’t smile and answer questions that weren’t even asked. If burnout is a concern, then stringing us up for target practice just because we are doing our jobs is a problem.
So here is my fight for the day, because I do not want to be accused again of not fighting enough: please appreciate the 11 or more years we spent in school and worked for free, accumulating debt while you were already earning a paycheck. Please appreciate the fact that when you call at 2AM, we answer. Please appreciate the times we miss important events in our children’s lives because we are helping someone else’s child. Please appreciate the fact that we carry the responsibility inherent in our jobs on our backs every minute of every day.
A simple “Thank-you for fitting my child into your busy day,” will go much further toward keeping doctors in primary care than any change in our work hours or income. We are not the enemy; we became doctors because we wanted to help people. Please let us do our jobs, and don’t snipe at us because we are tired. The fact that we are tired and overworked is not a good enough reason to fault us. We do not deserve it, and we have earned at least that much respect.
Whether or not the insurance company pays that $35.00 is always going to be at the bottom of my priority list, as it should be. The business of medicine will never and can never be as important as helping that little boy in room 2 to breath better.
Your Daughter’s Vagina
This week my amazing daughter handed my son-in-law a daughter. This brand new person has lots of silky dark hair, deep blue eyes and 2 dimples. She is a 7# 8oz miracle.
In the last few days my son-in-law has heard endless versions of “You’re in deep trouble, man,” “You’ll need a shotgun,” and “The boys will be after her!” My son-in-law is a deep thinker, so he gave it some deep thought and said, “Why?”
Assuming we want our daughters to have joy in life, fulfillment in their chosen work, family, and love: why then do we not want them to have sex? It seems an essential part of the picture.
When we actually consider why we feel this way, it comes down to the unfortunate fact that we equate a woman’s value with her sexual appeal, but devalue women when they actually have sex. No sex? Virginity and a pedestal. Sex with one man? Mother and Madonna. Sex with more? We have a direct line of descent into whoredom, where your daughter can be given a monetary value.
Then we confuse this scale by judging a woman’s value by how sexy she is. I once heard a med student say about the best kid cancer doc I knew, “What else could she do? She’s damned homely.” We want our daughters to be sexy, but not to have sex.
The valuation for men is perhaps equally harsh, but diametrically opposed. Virginity brings snickers and derision. Faithfulness to one women is sometimes thought to be gullible and foolish. Sex with many women is part of the admirable macho stereotype: men have conquests and “sew their wild oats,” admire James Bond, Casanova and Don Juan, and slap each other on the back as they carve notches into their belts or acquire trophy wives.
Math works, and these numbers do not add up.
There are of course other problems with these assumptions: not only are we devaluing our daughters, we are also making life difficult for our sons. We want our boys to have self respect, good long term relationships with their partners and the maturity to hang around to see their children grow up. Herpes, AIDs, and serial shallow relationships devoid of respect will not bring them this future.
So what is the solution?
We need to give our own values serious consideration, and then evenhandedly teach those values to both our sons and our daughters. We cannot tell our boys that it is OK to get a girl drunk so that she will have sex with them, and then tell our daughters that if they drink too much and have sex they are whores. We cannot tell our boys they are not manly if they choose to wait for love, and our girls that they must wait, or they are trash. It does not work to dress our seven year old daughters in spangles and teach them to hip thrust to sexy music, but then insist they remain innocent.
We need a coherent, honorable, human plan. Consider the future you want for your child, give thought to how sex fits into that future, be fair, be stringently honest, and build rules consistent with that future.
Some simple rules might be: we don’t want you to have sex until you are fully mature; we want you to be in a relationship built on love and mutual respect when you do; we want you to be safe and responsible.
Follow your own rules. Start when your babies are brand new, behave honorably, and be consistent throughout their childhoods. “Do as I say, not as I do” has never and will never work, because in the end your children will know you very well indeed.
- Watch what you say, both to your own partner and about the other people in your life, because words and judgments will worm their way into your child’s mind and later poke holes in his or her self worth.
- Keep conversation open, so that when they hear something at school or at a friend’s house they know they can ask you about it. They need to be able to come to you when they have questions. Give them knowledge so that they will be able to make good decisions.
- Monitor what they see on the internet and on TV. Much of what is on screens these days will need explanation.
- They will probably make mistakes. When they do, it is perfectly all right to discipline them, because they did break your rules (aren’t you glad you made those rules beforehand, and made sure he or she understood them?) Do not, however, add judgment to the mix. Give them time and space to think and consider the consequences of their actions. Allow them the chance to do better next time. Everyone makes mistakes, and it is hard enough to forgive yourself and go on, without the ones you love adding to the weight of regret in your heart.
- Never throw labels at them, because labels will leach onto their brains forever. They will never forget that their parent, who should love them no matter what, called them trash, or a slut. They might even feel that they have to live up to the label.
- Sex is a powerful weapon. If handled well it can bring joy, deepen a loving relationship, and create life. A parent’s example provides the model, good or bad, for their child to follow; thoughtless words from that same parent’s mouth can echo in their brains and make them bleed.
- Society’s views, as seen in your neighborhood or church, and on the screen in everything from commercials to movies to music, have an impact.
- How we think about sex, our behavior, and the inner judgments of our own actions effect everything from our relationships to our health, our self esteem to our future.
Sex can be a natural part of a fulfilled life, or it can injure your child’s mind, body and soul, up to the point of self-injury, depression, and death. It is important. It is deserving of respect and careful consideration, and an absolutely equal and consistent application of those conclusions to the parenting of both our sons and our daughters.
My son-in-law is brilliant, you know, and he was right.
Top Ten Summer Activities to Abolish Boredom
A short gap-toothed person looked at me today, smiled, and said, “…only fourteen more days of school!”
Summer is on its way!
No need to run screaming to hide in a closet. Below are my top ten ideas to fill those sunny days with things that will engage their brains and bodies:
- Exercise. They have been cooped up all winter. Throw them outside with a ball, bike or roller skates.
- Be creative. All those regimented classes, begone! Break out the finger-paints, colored pencils, and charcoal and let them draw anything they want. Find some sticks and build a fort. Act out a drama. The world is their canvas! I mean that literally: they can draw on bark, rocks, the sidewalk…
- Listen to music, and make your own. Break out the kitchen utensils if you don’t have instruments. Write your own songs and play them on pots and pans. This is a two-fer, because you will also build reading skills as you play with the words. Listen to music from other cultures and styles and you will painlessly add on lessons in history and anthroology.
- Explore. Hit the museum, the library, and the internet, where the world awaits. If nothing comes to mind, ask them what they find interesting and start with that.
- Volunteer. Not only is a great way to spend their time, it also fosters an appreciation for what they already have.
- Do chores. Chores bind a family together, allow for pride of accomplishment, teach responsibility, and provide a source of money so you can…
- Teach financial lessons. What better way than with summer money? Decide before they have it in their grubby paws what they want to save for and how much of their earnings will go into savings. Then watch the pile grow. This works even better if you can match their savings for a little extra inspiration.
- Learn a new skill. Make sure it is something they want to learn, of course. Summer is the traditional time for classes, camps, and music lessons. Have a “we’re only speaking spanish” hour, learn to swim, make a tile mosaic – the options are endless.
- Introduce yourselves to strangers, especially those who look different than your usual friends. Compliment what they are wearing, ask about what they are doing – be interested and start a conversation. Seeing the world from another person’s point of view can up possibilities for your child.
- Get a modern sort of pen pal. These days it’s as easy as getting a twitter account, search #WhatYourChildFindsInteresting and see who pops up. Your child might end up with friends from all over the world. Umm, monitor that, OK?
Keep them moving, reading, and doing, so they won’t turn into sloths.
Have they ever seen a sloth? Isn’t it amazing how slowly they move? Let’s go find a video on Google! Or hit the library! Or draw a picture of one, and make up a story! Or do the sloth dance!
School will start back in no time.
What Happens When It’s Homework Time?
There are more than 2000 school days in your child’s life, most of which will end with homework. Over time that means you need to inspire your children to do about 4000 hours of schoolwork at home, when video games are calling their names. Yipes.
How can you get that mountain of homework done with less argument and frustration? There are tricks.
The first trick is to establish the habit of homework long before they actually have any. When they are little, assign time in the evening when the TV is turned off, activities are done, and you as a family can sit and read, build things, or play games that involve a little brain work. Do this during the two hours before bed and the kids will also sleep better. A win-win!
Why do we need homework?
Consider the goal of homework: what do we want our child to gain from doing it? Of course, we want them to learn the material. More importantly, we want them to learn how to learn, and to love doing it. We want to furnish them with skills that will prove useful in real life. If homework can teach your children to examine facts, explore knowledge, organize and take personal responsibility for their work, and manage their time efficiently – what might he or she accomplish in life? These are the very skills that form a foundation for success.
Where?
Choose a place. There is no “right” place. If your child does better in a quiet environment, a desk in his room would work well. If he or she needs a little supervision, the kitchen table might work better. Wherever you choose, turn off the TV, videogame, and cell phone (quiet music is usually fine, and sometimes can even help children concentrate). Make sure they are comfortable and the lighting is good. Have the supplies they need – pencils, paper, calendar, dictionary? – nearby. Get rid of any distractions.
When?
Pick a time. Again, there is no “right” time. Some kids will do better right after school; some will need to blow off steam and may do better after dinner. Choose the time that works best for your individual children, involving them in the decision. Then make this schedule a routine, because children’s brains accommodate habits well. People don’t argue over something they have done every day for years; they argue endlessly over change and unpredictability.
Give your children a warning a few minutes before their free time is ending, so they can finish whatever they are doing before your drag them away.
Keep your expectations appropriate for your child’s age. As a general rule of thumb a child should have about 10 minutes of homework per grade level. Children in elementary school will need help organizing their work and staying on task; teenagers should be able to do their work without supervision. Somewhere in middle school they learn to take responsibility. Hopefully.
Start the hardest subjects first; position assignments which require memorization (spelling, math?) early and repeat after breaks.
Since you as parents won’t always be around to supervise, let your teenager fail in high school when they make poor choices. Summer school is cheaper and immensely less life altering than flunking out of college; repeating algebra is torture, but less traumatic than loosing a job. To paraphrase: give a child an organized notebook, and he will pass one test; teach him how to organize and he will have a skill for all of his life (sorry, couldn’t help myself).
Expect problems; they give you a subject of conversation to share with your child! Approach problems with diplomacy and respect for the person who is your child. Label the problem: “You get distracted by your cell phone.” Don’t label your child: never “You’re lazy.” Be wiling to compromise with your child to solve the problem. “If you will turn off the cell phone while you do your work, you can have 5 minute breaks between subjects to catch up, call and text.” Agree to the compromise; it is a contract with your progeny. If you need to, write it down and both of you sign it.
Rewrite this contract when the first one flops, until you find an arrangement that enables your child to learn and you to not run screaming from the room.
Allow the child’s input as much as possible. Let him decorate his workspace up to the point where he puts in distractions. Let her decide subject order, as long as it works. Let them choose their break activity, up to a time limit.
Reward success.
We as humans are hard wired to respond better to rewards than to punishment. How long would you go to work if you did not get a paycheck?
Sadly, it is not realistic to expect a better grade to be your child’s only reward. That grade is too far into the distant misty future, over a mountain of hard labor.
Rewards work best if they are small, and given for small increments of good behavior. A hug, a smile and pride in their accomplishment is all they need when they are small. When they are a little bigger, take time to read a book together or play a game. Keep rewards simple, small, and frequent.
Older children also need small, frequent rewards, though probably not as simple. They always have items that they want, but don’t need; these items make great rewards. Study time, completed homework and test grades can all earn them points toward a goal. There is no need for an argument when he or she doesn’t do their work before picking up the phone; they just won’t get that essential point.
They win, because even if they don’t get that A in History, they retain the points toward that skateboard or new game. And Science is coming!
Homework is training for life. Choose the place and time, working with your child to fit it to your family routines, your child’s personality, and his or her age. Endeavor to teach self-discipline, time management and responsibility equally with reading, writing, and arithmetic. Reward success. Keep in mind that the goal is not to learn how to spell that list of words, but rather to inspire a love of learning which will propel your child to succeed, now and into the future.
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