parenting

Anonymity and Denial in the Twitterverse

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turtle2-01Playwright Tom Stoppard said, “Words are sacred. They deserve respect. If you get the right ones, in the right order, you can nudge the world a little.”

I am old enough to be amazed by social media, with its multitude of words and pictures. It did not exist when I was new. If we wanted enlightenment, we went to the library or read the Post. By the time we found our information, the events were already in the past. We knew people of different cultures existed, and events happened, but it was knowledge that came at a distance, blurred by its time-consuming transformation into letters and pictures.

When we curious children wanted to see what a woman looked like without her clothes, we stole our parent’s National Geographic and leafed through it for pictures of deepest Africa. Kennedy and Lennon were shot, but there were no cell phone videos or instant interviews. The stories unfolded over weeks, with time to adjust and get a little distance.

Social media now comes with immediacy and savage intensity. People’s lives are flayed open and placed on the screen for my perusal. If I presume to know anything about that woman in Africa, she can knock me upside the head minutes later, because she is in reality just a hairsbreadth away. If I pretend to wisdom, the whole world can judge me and let me know where they think are my errors in judgement.

This brilliant transparency should make us more authentic, more determined to write nothing that we would not stand behind to our deaths. We should claim our words without reservation. These words. are. me. Sadly, from a place of weakness and fear it can instead make us deny what we know, as we buffer our truth so as not to be responsible for it.

We write, “Tweets do not replace medical advice, retweets are not to be considered an endorsement.” We backtrack, and pad ourselves against risk. The most powerful thing we can do – put our thoughts into words for other people to see – we disclaim and weaken with “tweets are not meant to be advice.”

Of course they are! What would be the point, otherwise?

If we give thought to and write words down then they need to be true. Words are sacred. We record our words in the hopes that they will “nudge the world a little.” If our words are our truth then they have earned our faith: we have to stand behind them with our names and our identities.

Weakening our words by buying into a fear of lawsuits and judgement is a betrayal of our selves; it costs us a piece of our souls. Our words are us and denying them, even in a small part, allows decay to eat away at our own value.

Conversely, since we wrote those words with our very own minds and hands we should never, in the rush to say something, write down what we know is not truth: those words will also follow us through our lives. People sometimes feel that they can be nasty, petty, or judgmental on the internet because they are anonymous. They can twist the facts just a little to make their point. We must realize that there is no such thing as true anonymity. Even if no one else ever knows who wrote those words, you yourself do.

Persian poet Hafez wrote, “The words you speak become the house you live in.” Write only words that have a strong foundation and the solidity of truth, so that your house is yours alone and can hold up to the hurricane force winds of opinion. Hafez’s words are as true on the internet today as they were in the fourteenth century in ink on paper. Such is the power of words. Believe in them, and in your self.

4th of July: Avoid the Doctor!

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safety signSunshine, water, and fireworks. What else could you need? To avoid the ER afterwards!

Oddly, most 4th of July injuries actually have nothing to do with fireworks, and everything to do with parents being so busy that they are not as watchful as usual. Sports are more dangerous when we want to impress cousins. Teenagers tend to get more reckless during a celebration, and young children sneak away quickly.

Most injuries are from everyday activities and household objects made dangerous by the craziness. So,…

Top Ten things that will land you in my office after the fireworks:

1.  Drowning: The 4th is all about water. Every year pediatricians see drownings and near drownings on the 4th. Never leave any child alone for even a moment near open water, whether it is an ocean, a bathtub, or a water bucket.

All it takes is one moment of inattention for a child to slip away. If there is open water, you need to be within touching distance and focused on your child. Pools should be fenced in and closed off with a self-latching gate at the end of the day, and all the toys should be put away. Life vests are fabulous for a parent’s mental health and relaxation (swimmies and floaties are not life jackets). Life preservers and a shepherd’s crook should be placed obviously nearby wherever kids are swimming. For more tips on water safety, check out my summer safety tips.

2.  Fireworks: I know, it’s obvious, but it had to be on the list. Please leave them to the professionals. It’s not worth months in the burn unit and doing physical therapy.  No-one thinks it will happen to their kid, until it does.

3.  Choking: Toddlers will put anything in their mouths. This means that everybody needs to pick up his or her stuff. Items over 1¼ inch in diameter are generally safe. Items smaller than 1¼ inch can go straight into their gut or lung. The most dangerous items to swallow are button batteries and magnets; the most dangerous to choke on are grape sized (older children’s toys, hard candy) or stretchy (balloons, plastic bags, marshmallows). Clean up!

4.  Allergic reactions: Holidays provide a banquet of things to irritate children’s allergies. Plants, foods, cigarette smoke, bonfires and other people’s homes and pets come to mind. Avoid them if your child has allergies.

5.  Fires and electrical injuries are especially common during holidays. Decorations can be flammable, candles and fires are commonly nearby. Frayed and loose wires easily start fires. I have had an astounding number of children run through banked campfires after dark. Block them off please!  Keep your eyes open for dangers.

6.  Poisonings: The one I see most is an overdose on Grandma’s meds. At Grandma’s home they are left on countertops; at your home they are in her purse. A left over drink is also a common way to poison children. A little alcohol can drop a child’s blood sugar and throw him or her into a coma.

7.  Alcohol inside the grown-up: does this really need explanation?

8.  Dehydration/Food poisoning: Watch their intake. It’s hot and the kids are running around in endless circles. Bring lots of water (the stuff mother nature made for you, not the stuff with caffeine and sugar added). Food left out in the heat for hours can grow things that cause vomiting and diarrhea. If you don’t know where it came from and how long it’s been there, don’t eat it.

9.  Scarce common sense: If it doesn’t seem safe, don’t let people pressure you into it. Make them wear that bike helmet! Trampolines and motorized vehicles (Sea Doos, dirt bikes) are never a good idea.  Feel free to let watching your kids take precedence over seeing Uncle Joe’s trophy or Aunt Mary’s vacation photos. “He’ll be fine” doesn’t make him fine. Keep an eye on him.

10.  Politeness: Feel free to be rude and head for home when the kids get tired, if a situation feels out of control, or if your child is being exposed to something you aren’t happy with. Use the munchkin’s youth or fatigue as the excuse for you to head home, relax and read a bedtime story.

The point of celebrations is to solidify relationships and give hope for the future. Focus on family, rejoice in the day and be careful.  Keep plans simple, pick fewer things to do, and do them together. Be safe and stay healthy.

That Tricky Line Between Safety and Smothering: Summer Injuries

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safety signSafety is not simple. There is no clear division between “this activity will be safe,” and “this activity will injure my child.” We could wrap our children up, keep them indoors, and not allow them to play with anything remotely dangerous, but then we would have a child who is lonely, overweight and really bored…who would get into trouble and injure himself. Or not get in trouble and develop diabetes, heart disease and knee problems from obesity.

Kids need to be active, and summertime brings many interesting opportunities for exercise, adventure and injury.

Wouldn’t it be great if some doctor type person would tell you what activities were the most likely to bring ER bills into your life?

Oh, wait. That’s me. So:

The most common causes of accidental death are gunshots, motorized vehicle and bike accidents, drowning, poisoning, and fire. Drowning, MVAs, bike accidents, and trampoline accidents are all more common in the summer, when kids are out of school.

Water Safety

Drowning is every pediatrician’s worst nightmare. It is currently the fifth leading cause of accidental death. An average of 700 children drown each year: about 2 each day. Most are under 4; 80% are male. For every death, there are 5 more children who drowned but survived, commonly with irreversible damage to their brains.

Infants and toddlers drown in bath tubs, buckets, toilets – it only requires is about an inch of water, just enough to cover their nose and mouth. Older children drown in pools, rivers, lakes, and oceans.

Never leave any child alone for even a moment near open water, whether it is an ocean, a bathtub, or a water bucket. All it takes is one moment of inattention for a child to slip away. If there is open water, you need to be within touching distance and focused on your child. The story I have heard over and over is, “We were right there, just talking, but nobody noticed anything until we realized he was gone.” Keep your kids in sight, and don’t let yourself get distracted. Be especially careful at the end of the day, as the water empties and people are gathering up their belongings and leaving. Children will want to swim just a minute more, or will attempt to go back for that last toy floating in the water.

Pools should be fenced in and closed off with a self-latching gate at the end of the day, and all the toys should be put away. Life vests are fabulous for a parent’s mental health and relaxation (swimmies and floaties are not life jackets). Life preservers and a shepherd’s crook should be placed obviously nearby wherever kids are swimming.

Sign your kids up for swimming lessons, even if you are afraid. A middle schooler or teen will never admit to their friends that they don’t know how to swim. They will fake it, sometimes unsuccessfully. Don’t, however, trust a young child to remember his or her swimming lessons when they need them. If they are startled or scared, they will forget everything they learned and just sink to the bottom.

Know what to look for. In real life, drowning does not look like it does in the movies. It is possible to miss someone drowning right in front of you if you do not know what you are seeing. They do not shout for help and wave their arms. They tire, and panic. A drowning child might never make a sound, but quietly slip under the water. An older child might keep themselves above the water for a while, but their head might be low in the water, with their mouth at water level, or perhaps with their head tilted back. Their eyes might be blank or closed. They will sometimes hang vertically in the water without paddling their legs, or appear to paddle with no purposeful movement. A drowning person is very easy to miss if you are not vigilant; and easy to help if you are.

Somebody should know CPR—why not you? Your local fire department or hospital will have classes.

Swimming is a necessary skill, fun, and excellent exercise; it is also a time for close observation and care.

Motorized Vehicles

The other motorized vehicles—ATVs, dirt bikes, snowmobiles, and Sea-Doos—are also commonly out in the summer. They are the perfect storm: they go fast, have no outside framework, roll over easily, and the only things that keep them from crashing are your children’s foresight, common sense, and trained reflexes. The United States averaged 23,800 dirt bike crashes requiring emergency room visits every year between 2001 and 2004; these numbers go up as dirt bikes become more popular. Don’t. Really, just don’t. You do like the kid, right?

Bikes

Bikes come out of the garage when the weather warms up and the roads are not covered in ice. And yes, the dorky bike helmet is an excellent idea.

Thousands of children are injured or killed every year due to bike accidents, frequently right near their homes. In 2010 alone, there were 800 deaths, 26,000 traumatic brain injuries and 515,000 emergency room visits after bike accidents.

Asphalt is not soft, even right next to your house. When a car hits a child, the child flies through the air. The heaviest part of the child—the head—lands first.

Make them wear the dorky helmet, on top of the head please, covering the top of the forehead, and tied snugly under the chin, not dangling on the back of the head. Hang it on the bike handlebars when not in use so that it is the first thing on and the last thing off. Keep a big lock handy so that if you catch them on the bike without the helmet, you can lock it up and they can walk for a week. Sorry kid, that was the rule and you knew it. There is no need for any argument.

Please don’t buy a bike two sizes too big. Your child will fall off. Children should be able to place the balls of their feet on the ground while their rump is on the seat, and their whole foot should be flat when they are standing over the crossbar. An extra bike or two over the years is cheaper than a broken child.

Trampolines

Trampolines are a huge source of income for surgeons and orthopedists. If you would like to make them poor, don’t buy a trampoline. If you have one, please be careful. Most trampoline accidents occur when there is more than one person on the trampoline, especially when they are not the same size. The smaller one goes flying or is fallen upon. Safety nets and pads are better than no safety nets and pads.

On second thought, forget I said all that. Let’s go back to no trampolines. Kids break bones, damage their kidneys, and hurt their heads and spines.

Children will at some point injure themselves because they need to be free to run, swim, and climb monkey bars and trees. Try not to obsess over scraped knees, a goose egg on the forehead, or a few stitches. Everybody gets those, and your children will find a way. Concentrate on the risks that will kill them or seriously injure them: motor vehicle accidents, drowning, fires, poisonings, and gunshots. Don’t go out of your way to buy things that will hurt them, such as trampolines and ATVs. Make it so they have to get creative if they want to injure themselves. Creativity is good, right?

My Rant: It is not Malpractice to be Tired

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kidsfightingFair warning: I am on a rant. Skip this one is you don’t want to hear me whine.

In the last few days I have seen doctors in the media picked on because they fell asleep (“Doc, there are patients who need to be seen!”), because they were burnt out, and because they didn’t smile, explain things thoroughly, and ask about the patient’s home life while checking for an ear infection. Doctors fought back with comments about their long hours, intense work schedules, and exhaustion.

It didn’t work. The comments just changed to: “Well, fight for better hours!” Or: “Be willing to make less money!” (umm, I did go into pediatrics…) One person was actually so narrow minded and idiotic as to tell us we were harming patients by working too hard, and that it was sheer laziness that kept us from improving our schedules. That we “were keeping our heads buried in the sand” so that we did not see the important issue: that the business of medicine was as important as the practice of medicine. That what we were doing was “not good enough,” and that doctors never fight for anything. How that person knitted all those ideas together in one head is beyond me, and I don’t believe that I, or any other doctor, deserved it.

First, no one was harmed in any of the situations. The sleeping doc got up and went back to work, probably better for the quick power nap. The child whose doc did not smile and ask about their home life nevertheless fit that child into her already full schedule and took excellent care of her. I have in thirty years never harmed a child because I was exhausted. I did once tell a mother that I was too tired to care for her child and would find them another doc, after which I walked back to the office, sat down, passed out and had a seizure. Doctoring is a different sort of job.

Second, doctors have been fighting far longer than I have been one. We fight with insurance companies every day. Through the AAP we fight in the legislature for pediatric issues. We fight for universal vaccination. We fight for neglected kids, for abused kids, for healthy foods in schools…

Last, our heads are about as far out of the sand as they can get, as we care for children whose parents have poured boiling water over them, for teenage girls gang raped at parties, for gay children who are thinking of slashing their wrists…

There are a limited number of hours in the day, and every single time the kids matter more than how overworked we are.

The one thing that I am never willing to compromise is the care of my patients. Jumping from “doctors are overworked and stressed” to “doctors are harming patients because they are overworked and stressed” is a leap. The data actually proves otherwise.

Presuming we can simply work less and everything will be fine is naïve.

One of the biggest problems right now is that there are simply not enough docs, and fewer of them are going into and staying in primary care. Those of us in the trenches cannot do less when there is no one to take up the slack. Legislation can not fix this problem, and the fact that we are judged and condemned at every turn just puts another nail in the coffin of primary care. The doc above fit an extra patient into her day, took care of the acute problem, and was spat upon because she didn’t smile and answer questions that weren’t even asked. If burnout is a concern, then stringing us up for target practice just because we are doing our jobs is a problem.

So here is my fight for the day, because I do not want to be accused again of not fighting enough: please appreciate the 11 or more years we spent in school and worked for free, accumulating debt while you were already earning a paycheck. Please appreciate the fact that when you call at 2AM, we answer. Please appreciate the times we miss important events in our children’s lives because we are helping someone else’s child. Please appreciate the fact that we carry the responsibility inherent in our jobs on our backs every minute of every day.

A simple “Thank-you for fitting my child into your busy day,” will go much further toward keeping doctors in primary care than any change in our work hours or income. We are not the enemy; we became doctors because we wanted to help people. Please let us do our jobs, and don’t snipe at us because we are tired. The fact that we are tired and overworked is not a good enough reason to fault us. We do not deserve it, and we have earned at least that much respect.

Whether or not the insurance company pays that $35.00 is always going to be at the bottom of my priority list, as it should be. The business of medicine will never and can never be as important as helping that little boy in room 2 to breath better.

Your Daughter’s Vagina

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marilynThis week my amazing daughter handed my son-in-law a daughter. This brand new person has lots of silky dark hair, deep blue eyes and 2 dimples. She is a 7# 8oz miracle.

In the last few days my son-in-law has heard endless versions of “You’re in deep trouble, man,” “You’ll need a shotgun,” and “The boys will be after her!” My son-in-law is a deep thinker, so he gave it some deep thought and said, “Why?”

Assuming we want our daughters to have joy in life, fulfillment in their chosen work, family, and love: why then do we not want them to have sex? It seems an essential part of the picture.

When we actually consider why we feel this way, it comes down to the unfortunate fact that we equate a woman’s value with her sexual appeal, but devalue women when they actually have sex. No sex? Virginity and a pedestal. Sex with one man? Mother and Madonna. Sex with more? We have a direct line of descent into whoredom, where your daughter can be given a monetary value.

Then we confuse this scale by judging a woman’s value by how sexy she is. I once heard a med student say about the best kid cancer doc I knew, “What else could she do? She’s damned homely.” We want our daughters to be sexy, but not to have sex.

The valuation for men is perhaps equally harsh, but diametrically opposed. Virginity brings snickers and derision. Faithfulness to one women is sometimes thought to be gullible and foolish. Sex with many women is part of the admirable macho stereotype: men have conquests and “sew their wild oats,” admire James Bond, Casanova and Don Juan, and slap each other on the back as they carve notches into their belts or acquire trophy wives.

Math works, and these numbers do not add up.

There are of course other problems with these assumptions: not only are we devaluing our daughters, we are also making life difficult for our sons. We want our boys to have self respect, good long term relationships with their partners and the maturity to hang around to see their children grow up. Herpes, AIDs, and serial shallow relationships devoid of respect will not bring them this future.

So what is the solution?

We need to give our own values serious consideration, and then evenhandedly teach those values to both our sons and our daughters. We cannot tell our boys that it is OK to get a girl drunk so that she will have sex with them, and then tell our daughters that if they drink too much and have sex they are whores. We cannot tell our boys they are not manly if they choose to wait for love, and our girls that they must wait, or they are trash. It does not work to dress our seven year old daughters in spangles and teach them to hip thrust to sexy music, but then insist they remain innocent.

We need a coherent, honorable, human plan. Consider the future you want for your child, give thought to how sex fits into that future, be fair, be stringently honest, and build rules consistent with that future.

Some simple rules might be: we don’t want you to have sex until you are fully mature; we want you to be in a relationship built on love and mutual respect when you do; we want you to be safe and responsible.

Follow your own rules. Start when your babies are brand new, behave honorably, and be consistent throughout their childhoods. “Do as I say, not as I do” has never and will never work, because in the end your children will know you very well indeed.

  • Watch what you say, both to your own partner and about the other people in your life, because words and judgments will worm their way into your child’s mind and later poke holes in his or her self worth.
  • Keep conversation open, so that when they hear something at school or at a friend’s house they know they can ask you about it. They need to be able to come to you when they have questions. Give them knowledge so that they will be able to make good decisions.
  • Monitor what they see on the internet and on TV. Much of what is on screens these days will need explanation.
  • They will probably make mistakes. When they do, it is perfectly all right to discipline them, because they did break your rules (aren’t you glad you made those rules beforehand, and made sure he or she understood them?) Do not, however, add judgment to the mix. Give them time and space to think and consider the consequences of their actions. Allow them the chance to do better next time. Everyone makes mistakes, and it is hard enough to forgive yourself and go on, without the ones you love adding to the weight of regret in your heart.
  • Never throw labels at them, because labels will leach onto their brains forever. They will never forget that their parent, who should love them no matter what, called them trash, or a slut. They might even feel that they have to live up to the label.
  • Sex is a powerful weapon. If handled well it can bring joy, deepen a loving relationship, and create life. A parent’s example provides the model, good or bad, for their child to follow; thoughtless words from that same parent’s mouth can echo in their brains and make them bleed.
  • Society’s views, as seen in your neighborhood or church, and on the screen in everything from commercials to movies to music, have an impact.
  • How we think about sex, our behavior, and the inner judgments of our own actions effect everything from our relationships to our health, our self esteem to our future.

Sex can be a natural part of a fulfilled life, or it can injure your child’s mind, body and soul, up to the point of self-injury, depression, and death. It is important. It is deserving of respect and careful consideration, and an absolutely equal and consistent application of those conclusions to the parenting of both our sons and our daughters.

My son-in-law is brilliant, you know, and he was right.

Bullying, and the Battle for Equality

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Hasardous waste-01This week I have been called immoral, evil, ignorant, and bigoted. I was told I care nothing about children (this after almost 30 years as a pediatrician). I was told that I was going to burn in hell. It has been a very odd week.

None of these things sounded much like the me I know and love.

Each time I was simply standing up for what I believed was right, and the “adults” with whom I was conversing were so astonished when I did not simply cave to their obvious superiority that they went straight to name calling, rather than reason.

I could almost feel the thrill they took in shouting their beliefs from their shaky mountain top, refusing to even consider a different viewpoint.

I am a grown up, I can hold to my beliefs and not shed a tear, but oddly… it still hurt.

So how must it feel as a 10 year old, when enormous adults are towering over you, talking at you and not giving you a moment to speak for yourself? How, when the popular kid in class, the one with all the social power, calls you a dork and shoves you into a wall? How, when you know you are different and different is immoral, ignorant, and hell bound, if only because it does not sanctify their views and might poke a hole in the fragile balloon of their security?

We are fighting in the streets now, for equality not based on religious views, skin color, sex, or sexual preference. I wonder if the people demanding they be respected even though they are Muslim, or Black, see that their fight is the same as those that demand equality even though they are gay. Do the women ( and the Pope! ) fighting for equal pay see their battle as a part of the never-ending fight for all humans to respect each other as equals?

Can we ever get to a point where we realize that no one wins, as long as someone else looses?

That someone else’s success does not subtract from or in any way prevent ours?

As usual with social change, evolution must start with the children. Children are pure potential; their minds are open, interested, and willing to love. A baby looks at any face with wide open eyes and an ear-to-ear smile, not caring what color or sex that face is, what church they go to, or whom they love. We as their parents and teachers sometimes ruin that. We damage their beautiful, open minds and darken their young hearts, forcing our reality upon them. We teach them to smirk and squint, to judge and condemn.

If we want our children to be happy and fulfilled, to be able to think and create, and to be open to the opportunities the world puts in their paths, we must examine our own thoughts, pack the ugly ones up and cart them off. When we catch ourselves starting to say something unkind, we must stop. When we find ourselves treating someone as if they are less, we need to realize that this gives permission for another person to treat our child as if he or she is less. If our children see us treat every person with respect, they will know they also are deserving of respect, simply because everyone is.

Take the positives from our separate cultures and celebrate them, but allow that other cultures have positives too.

Be proud of our accomplishments, but also find it in our hearts to congratulate others on theirs.

Step up when someone is cruel.

Understand that we are not fighting for Gay Rights or Black Justice or Women’s Rights, but for Equality. We cannot hold onto our own rights if we do not grant everyone else theirs. It makes no sense to insist that a person respect our beliefs and then turn around and denigrate theirs. It is immoral to campaign for Black justice then go home and vomit up ugliness about gays or women; to fight for equal pay for women then turn around and gossip about the mixed race marriage down the block.

Until we can give respect, we ourselves do not deserve it, and our children will follow in our path.

When we stand up to our own bullies (especially the ones squatting in our own brains), we teach our children how to stand up to theirs, and they will be able to grasp and hold the life we wish for them.

Perhaps now is a good time to remember the words of Martin Niemöller (1892–1984):

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—

     Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—

     Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—

     Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

 

 

Top Ten Summer Activities to Abolish Boredom

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2013-09-06 13.00.12A short gap-toothed person looked at me today, smiled, and said, “…only fourteen more days of school!”

Summer is on its way!

No need to run screaming to hide in a closet. Below are my top ten ideas to fill those sunny days with things that will engage their brains and bodies:

  1. Exercise. They have been cooped up all winter. Throw them outside with a ball, bike or roller skates.
  2. Be creative. All those regimented classes, begone! Break out the finger-paints, colored pencils, and charcoal and let them draw anything they want. Find some sticks and build a fort. Act out a drama. The world is their canvas! I mean that literally: they can draw on bark, rocks, the sidewalk…
  3. Listen to music, and make your own. Break out the kitchen utensils if you don’t have instruments. Write your own songs and play them on pots and pans. This is a two-fer, because you will also build reading skills as you play with the words. Listen to music from other cultures and styles and you will painlessly add on lessons in history and anthroology.
  4. Explore. Hit the museum, the library, and the internet, where the world awaits. If nothing comes to mind, ask them what they find interesting and start with that.
  5. Volunteer. Not only is a great way to spend their time, it also fosters an appreciation for what they already have.
  6. Do chores. Chores bind a family together, allow for pride of accomplishment, teach responsibility, and provide a source of money so you can…
  7. Teach financial lessons. What better way than with summer money? Decide before they have it in their grubby paws what they want to save for and how much of their earnings will go into savings. Then watch the pile grow. This works even better if you can match their savings for a little extra inspiration.
  8. Learn a new skill. Make sure it is something they want to learn, of course. Summer is the traditional time for classes, camps, and music lessons. Have a “we’re only speaking spanish” hour, learn to swim, make a tile mosaic – the options are endless.
  9. Introduce yourselves to strangers, especially those who look different than your usual friends. Compliment what they are wearing, ask about what they are doing – be interested and start a conversation. Seeing the world from another person’s point of view can up possibilities for your child.
  10. Get a modern sort of pen pal. These days it’s as easy as getting a twitter account, search #WhatYourChildFindsInteresting and see who pops up. Your child might end up with friends from all over the world. Umm, monitor that, OK?

Keep them moving, reading, and doing, so they won’t turn into sloths.

Have they ever seen a sloth? Isn’t it amazing how slowly they move? Let’s go find a video on Google! Or hit the library! Or draw a picture of one, and make up a story! Or do the sloth dance!

School will start back in no time.

Growing Brains: Reading as the Anti-Zombie

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ROARlogo2-01In The Dead Poets Society, Robin Williams said, “No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.” They can, in particular, change your child’s world.

I am a book pusher. In my office we force free books on babies and children at every visit, compliments of the Reach out and Read program. They generally would prefer lollypops, but they put up with it.

With each book they get nagged about reading. We do this because a child’s brain develops most rapidly between 6 months and 3 years, and reading aloud stimulates the parts of the brain in which language skills reside. This is an opportunity we cannot afford to miss.

The problem is that only 48% of families read to their children every day; 1 in 6 read to their children only 3 days a week. One third of children enter kindergarten lacking basic language skills. These kids are typically 12-14 months behind; 88% will never catch up. These kids start the uphill journey of life at a tremendous disadvantage.

The solution is reading aloud. Reading aloud is the single most important thing a parent can do to prepare their child for school and beyond. Reading aloud develops literacy skills, including:

  • Vocabulary. The number of words with which children enter kindergarten directly predicts their later success.
  • Phonics. There is no other way to learn how words sound than by hearing them spoken.
  • Familiarity with the printed word. Opening a book should feel comfortable, warm, and welcoming, not intimidating.
  • Storytelling ability. There is no better way to stimulate your child’s imagination than allowing them to create their own story.
  • Comprehension. Children learn the actual meaning of the words by hearing them used.

Knowledge is power, and it is waiting to be gathered from the words in books. Love of reading is also waiting in those words, needing only to be nurtured by time shared reading. That love will become a mighty tool and support throughout their lives.

There are tricks to doing it better:

  • Ask questions. The traditional questions are what-when-why-where-how? What is the creature in that tree? Why is Clifford so big? Where did that mouse go? Get involved in the book.
  • Describe the book. Talk about the pictures: That dog is bigger than the house! Look how tall that beanstalk grew! Count objects, if there are several: One-two-three apples! Notice the actual letters: Look, there is an “N” – that’s the first letter in your name! Notice and point out colors and shapes.
  • Use funny voices: nothing will entertain your child like you sounding like a duck.
  • Emphasize rhymes; sing the words when you can. Kids love to imitate crazy words. Generations of people can say “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’. What were the chances?  Is your Mama a Llama? There is a reason “One, two, buckle my shoe” is around long after the demise of shoe buckles. It rhymes, and you can sing it.
  • Relate the book to your own life. If you read “Clifford and the big storm,” talk about that storm you had last week.
  • Have fun. Your munchkin will see your happiness, and their joy in reading will grow.
  • Reward reading. Kids will do what they are rewarded for doing. If reading brings with it hugs, smiles, and time with mom or dad, they will want to do it again.

Bring reading into the rest of your life. Notice signs beside the road; mention the movie marque for the show they want to see. Visit libraries, museums, and parks and talk about what you see. Listen to music, and talk about the lyrics. When your child shows you the picture he or she drew, invite them to tell you a story about it. Where is that dinosaur going? Is he all alone? Show them how you use words through the day, writing your lists, or paying your bills.

Talk about the words themselves:

  • Some words can sound the same, but have totally different meanings. You can bake cookies with flour, or pick a flower off a bush; Grandma’s hip might creak, but it’s not the same as the creek you fish in.
  • Different words can mean the same thing. That flower can also be called a blossom, if you are in the mood.
  • The exact same word can have very different meanings. A dog’s bark is very different than the bark on a tree, as a computer mouse is different than a live one.
  • Words can end the same, and rhyme! That mama llama is an enduring favorite.

Make reading a habit. Children’s brains are designed to form habits. Habits and routine are security to them; use this to your advantage. A habit of snuggling up to read every night before bed will make bedtime a much more enjoyable experience. Happy children sleep better. If you make a habit of reading to your child for 15 minutes each day, by the time they enter kindergarten you will have read to them for a whopping 500 hours. No wonder it makes such a difference!

Parents are a child’s first and best teachers. They are the most important people in their child’s universe. If a parent thinks that reading matters, then it does matter. If they think that reading is enjoyable, then it is.

With a routine of reading, a child will enter kindergarten with a larger vocabulary, a habit of reading and learning, and a habit of being interested. They will know that interest is always rewarded. They will be ready to excel.

Reading can open up the world for children. Anything they find interesting, they can explore. They can discover things they otherwise might never have known existed. They can search for the answer to any question, and be inspired to ask new ones of their own.

Reading lights up the dark corners of prejudice and bigotry, and will help your child become a better person. With reading, he or she can find their own magic, unlimited by their immediate surroundings. To paraphrase Robin Williams in Dead Poets: “… the powerful play goes on, and your child may contribute a verse. What will their verse be?”

Top Ten Rules for How to Raise a Child You Will Like as a Grown-up

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storkWe spent last Saturday at BabyPalooza, handing out T-shirts and talking about the importance of reading. There were many lovely, very round, exhausted women, and many questions. Apparently, babies still don’t come with an instruction manual, so here goes: not too long, so you can read it in the scant minutes you have when you are not so exhausted that your eyes won’t focus.

How to Raise a Kid you will like as a Grown-up:

10. Require chores. Equal participation is fundamental to receive the reward of being in a family. The pride your child feels serving the carrots he helped peel is well worth the time it takes to get him to do it. Every member of the family contributes, to the best of their ability. Family bonds and trust will form over the raking of leaves.

9.   Make rules, and enforce them consistently. Rules keep kids safe, teach them right from wrong, and civilize them. Make sure your child understands the rules, and every single adult in his life needs to enforce every rule each and every time, the first time it is broken. No “warnings,” because you made sure ahead of time that they understood the rule. Decide what the consequence will be for a broken rule long before you need to do it; make the punishment appropriate for the crime (timeout? loss of the toy? paying for the damage?).

8.   Feed your munchkin a healthy diet: whole foods that look like they either grew out of the ground or walked on it (I know, but not everyone is a vegetarian). Teach your children to eat when they’re hungry, and stop eating when they’re not hungry anymore. Aim for about half fruits and vegies and about half protein (meat, eggs, cheese, beans or nuts) and starch (potatoes, bread, pasta, corn). Everything else will be easier if they are well nourished.

7.   Keep a regular sleep schedule – both enough hours and at about the same time every day – as much as possible. Kids who are short on sleep are irritable, tired and have no attention span. Everything else will be easier if he or she has had enough sleep.

6.   Keep them safe when you can. There are lots of surprises out there to keep life interesting; there is no need to risk the preventable injuries. Use those seat belts and bike helmets, lock up the household poisons, guns and Grandma’s meds, and get those vaccines.

5.   Teach financial responsibility. Spend less than you make, stay out of debt, and save for the future. Do it where they can see you and explain what you are doing. Go through your budget with them in an age appropriate way, and feel free to say, “We can’t afford that.” Give them an allowance for those chores and require that they save some.

4.   Don’t wear blinders. Your primary job is to protect this child, even if it is sometimes from themselves. Children will lie, take things that are not theirs, and sneak out at night when they are 14. You need to catch them so that they learn that it doesn’t work. If they get caught stealing at 7, they have an embarrassing memory of having to go back and pay for what they took. If they get caught at 25, they land in jail and loose their job, partner, and children.

3.   Love without condition the child you have, not the one you dreamed they would be. Love is not a prize you can give when your child is good, and take away when they do not live up to your expectations. Without the absolute faith that no matter what happens or what horrible thing they do you will still love them, the foundation on which they build their life will by shaky and unstable. You chose to have them; unconditional love was part of the deal.

2.   Nurture your child’s unique talents and abilities; don’t try to fit the ones you want them to have on their unsuitable frame. This little person is an original – why would you want to shove him or her into a standard form? And what irreplaceable gifts would be forever lost because you did not value them? Respect the exceptional person that he or she is.

1.   Inspire them with your own life. Be what you hope for them. Find work you love, maintain a healthy relationship with your partner, eat a healthy diet, and exercise. Learn something new every day. Never lie. Give respect, and demand it for yourself. Keep an open mind, explore the world and grab opportunities when they happen by. Make your children proud.

Hey Mom, Chris has Two Dads!

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rainbowweddingbandsI was asked recently what people should tell their children about gay marriage. Apparently there are many opinions on the interwebs. My initial thought was, why is this a problem?

Then I remembered my mother and her friends gossiping about the man next door who – gasp! – had married a Philippino! And later, about the woman down the street who was, dear lord, divorced!! I remembered hiding around the corner, listening, soaking it up and feeling, for a little while, that I was somehow better than their kids. They were less, so I must be more. One small dark spot was added to my soul.

I have given it some serious thought, because this really is a big deal: having respect for every other person as your absolute equal is essential to living a true, honest life and valuing your own individuality and potential. You cannot despise another person without letting rot into your own core.

So here it is:

Tell them marriage is a contract between two people who love each other, promising that they are and will always be on the same team. They will take on life together to accomplish whatever goals they have in mind, whether it be building a home, raising children, or saving the world. From that moment on they will have someone to stand beside them on their path, and guard their backs in times of trouble.

Tell them that marriage is both a cultural tradition and a legal contract. People celebrate marriage in as many ways as there are societies. They arrive on elephants, walk down aisles in churches, and stand under tents together to celebrate their joy in finding a partner. What matters is the validation of this contract with the people closest to them as witnesses, not the details of the particular tradition.

Marriage is also a legal contract, recognized by the laws of the land, and effects everything from how a married couple holds their money and owns their home to how taxes are paid and medical decisions are made.

You didn’t honestly think your kids would care which parts go where, did you? Your problems are not their problems, until you make them so.

What to say?

So, when your child comes home and announces that their new friend Chris has two moms, or two dads, the proper response is “… and?” in the exact same tone of voice that you would use if they announced that Chris had a mom and a dad. “Did you like them? Were they nice to you? Did you have fun?”

Problems start when society’s prejudices poke their nastiness into your child’s innocent brain. Humans don’t deal well with change, and in the matter of gay marriage change is certain. In the same way the fight for racial equality or women’s rights made tiny people do horrible things, the inevitability of equal marriage rights under the law is making people ugly. The future will view them in the same way we now view the forced feeding of women fighting for the right to vote, or the beating of Black men and women fighting for the right to an equal education, but for now we have to deal with their influence on our children.

No two people ever travel the same path, but fear pushes people into a dark pit that demands that their path is the right one, the only proper one, the one that everyone should travel. For them to be secure there cannot be options. These fearful people tend to be loud and righteous, and fling their knives without caring where they land and what damage they do. If you want your child to grow strong and straight, and not be ruled by fear and bigotry, you will need to do damage control.

What to do

Apologize for people’s narrow minded bigotry, and let your child know that you are glad they told you about that ugly thing they heard, or that they were confused. Explain that some people are damaged on the inside, and judging others makes them feel better, like putting a bandage on a wound; that some people are not terribly smart and cannot figure this stuff out; and, worse, some people actually choose not to think, because it is easier.

Explain that this is not acceptable behavior, and you hope that they will not be so thoughtlessly cruel to someone just because they can.

Explain that you hope they will follow their own path bravely, stand up for what is right, and not feel any need to shrink who they are when confronted with bullying and bigotry. Reassure them that your wish for them is to find someone to partner with who loves them, supports them in their choices, and can grow with them through the years of their lives; not someone of a predefined age, skin color, religion, or sex. Explain that you love them, and loving them without limits illuminates that dark pit so that you can love the rest of the people sharing their world a little better, respecting their lives and choices.