Just a Cold? Or is it the Flu?

Posted by Dr. Lovlie

sick kid-01 Any given year, between 5% and 20% of the US population will catch the flu.

Influenza, or the flu, is a virus spread in tiny drops of fluid that an infected person has sneezed or coughed out. Your children can inhale these, or rub droplets contacted from surfaces–or other people–onto their eyes, nose, or mouth. After a 1-4 day incubation period, your child becomes sick.

The initial symptoms of flu include a sudden, high spiking fever, chills, headache, tiredness, and body aches. From there it progresses through sore throat and congestion. Symptoms generally last about ten days, with the worst occurring during the first three days.

Children can be sick for longer than adults, and have more complications.

Complications of the flu commonly include things like pneumonia, ear infections, and sinusitis. Less common complications include fever seizures, encephalopathy, inflammation of the heart, and death.

Serious complications are more common in children with underlying health conditions, but even healthy children can become severely ill. During the 2014-2015 season, more than 145 children died, and more than 200,000 kids were hospitalized with flu complications. Generally about 43% of hospitalized kids have no predisposing health problems.

Children at the highest risk are those with underlying conditions like asthma, a compromised immune system (cancer, HIV/AIDS…), or with chronic diseases (diabetes, seizures…) Also at risk are babies under six months of age, who are not yet old enough to get the vaccine and whose immune systems are not yet adult sized.

We try to make sure high risk kids get their vaccines if they can, but we rely on other people to also get their vaccines to “cocoon” these kids so that they are not exposed. If parents, chid care providers, and the other kids in daycare get their flu shots, then chances are that the cute little baby with heart disease will not catch the flu.

Vaccines rule. Preventing disease is always better and safer than trying to treat it once a child is sick.

Flu vaccines come in two types–shot and inhaled mist. The shot is a dead virus, the inhaled mist is a live attenuated (very weak) virus. Neither can give you the flu or make your child autistic. Since we give the vaccine in the midst of cold and flu season, some people are bound to become ill in the weeks after they get it. It is easy to blame the vaccine. The shot can make your arm red and sore; the mist, since it is live, can give you a mild stuffy nose and a low grade fever. So much better than what the actual flu can do!

Last, what should you do if your child does catch the flu? If he or she has any underlying health conditions or is under two years old, call your doc. We have antiviral meds that, while they taste horrible and are not completely effective, do help.

Then, just like when they have a cold, make them rest, push any sort of fluid they will drink, and treat the symptoms. Ibuprofen will generally work better for the body aches and headaches than acetaminophen. Salt water drops or sprays work for stuffy noses, and for kids over four, cold and cough medicines will help them feel better.

Keep them home, because they are contagious. Adults are contagious for about 5-7 days; kids can be contagious for more than 10 days. Both can be contagious about a day before they have any signs of illness.

Call your doc if your child has any breathing problems, lethargy, fever that persists for more than three days, or isn’t starting to get better after the first few days. Or just if you want to. That’s what we’re here for.

How to Survive and Have a Joyous Holiday

Posted by Dr. Lovlie

Cute Kid Girl In Glasses Thinking About Gift On Christmas Holida

My daughter the anthropologist tells me that celebrations solidify relationships between people within a community, give them hope for the future, and serve as rights of passage.

With the holidays approaching, give thought to what you want this special season to mean to your children throughout their lives.

Keep that firmly in mind when you enter into the fray.

Want them to be involved in your community with its rich heritage and history? Emphasize that. Tell stories, act out events and celebrate your history. Help out people who are less fortunate.

Want holidays to strengthen family bonds? Put family first. Limit the decorating and shopping and work events, and hang out at home. Make gifts for each other, bake cookies and play games.

If you want holidays to be about joy, be joyful. Foster realistic expectations, appreciation for what they have and genuine values. Develop traditions that are more about time together as a family and less about how much stuff they get. The memories they keep forever will be the little things: sharing a bowl of popcorn while watching an old movie; reading a book while Mom or Dad runs fingers through their hair. Few people remember what they received for Christmas last year. They do remember that walk on Christmas Eve admiring the sparkling lights, tasting cookies straight out of the oven, and the look on Grandpa’s face when he got that homemade penholder.

Gifts

It’s tempting to get your children all the things they want for the holiday just to see them smile, but where do you go from there? Maniacal happiness is not joy. It cannot be sustained over time. Add to that that you have created unrealistic expectations for all the other holidays in their future. And the storage needs!

Restrain yourself. If holidays are about family time, board games, and baking cookies it is possible for holidays later in life to be happy. If holidays are about how much money was spent and how many new toys they received, how can real life ever work out? Bigger and better toys every year? That was not the goal.

If you can afford it, get them one or two of the things on their lists. Make them the ones they can create with, the ones that make them use their brains and bodies and talent. Add on some little things that are fun to open. Let little ones play with the boxes and bubble wrap. Then focus the day on family and love.

The Insanity

Don’t let holidays overwhelm you. There are so many expectations that no one can possibly meet them all and have any joy left. There are special foods that need to be prepared, special clothes that need to be bought, decorations, gifts, traditions to be followed, parties, travel, family… eeek! Weed out the excess so there is room left for joy, relaxation and rejoicing in whatever you were celebrating.

Before you decide to spend money on gifts or travel, be realistic about what you can afford. What did you get for your last birthday? Don’t remember? No one does. What people do remember is the conversation, the hugs and the warmth. Those are free. Take dollars out of the experience as much as possible and you won’t end up with a credit card bill for a present that was discarded six months ago. Don’t try to keep up with the people who have that bill and you won’t be laying awake at night and fighting with your spouse instead of relaxing snuggled up with hot chocolate.

Tune down the stress. Not spending more than you can afford will eliminate a huge amount of stress. Next, stop worrying about what other people think; they’re too busy worrying about what you think to care anyway. Keep to routines as much as possible. Sit down for meals; take some time to focus on each other. Step back from the hysteria and think about whether your progeny will actually play with that new doll or just stuff it in a corner, and whether you really need to travel or attend all the parties. Take some quiet time and relax. The world will not collapse if you skip a party or miss the line for the “it” gift. It will collapse if your child is so exhausted and stressed that he or she has a melt down.

Health

Keep healthy. The week after a holiday is always busy at my office. I make lots of money from airplanes crowded with sick people and stores packed with germy carts. Get enough rest, and hydrate. Use hand sanitizer. Eat as healthfully as possible–avoid fast foods, throw in some fruits and vegies. Hide the caffeine and limit alcohol. Get a flu shot. Nothing can destroy a holiday quicker than a trip to the ER.

Avoid injuries. Most holiday injuries have nothing to do with the particular holiday, but everything to do with people being so busy that they are not as watchful as usual. Sports are more dangerous when we want to impress cousins. Teenagers tend to get more reckless during a celebration, and young children sneak away quickly. Most holiday injuries are from everyday activities and household objects made dangerous by the holiday craziness.

Chokings and poisonings are popular. The one I see most is an overdose on Grandma’s meds. At Grandma’s home they are left on countertops; at your home they are in her purse. A left over drink is a common way to poison children. A little alcohol can drop a child’s blood sugar and throw him or her into a coma.

Toddlers will put anything in their mouths. Unfortunately this means that everybody needs to pick up their stuff. Items over 1¼ inch in diameter are generally safe. Smaller items than that can go straight into their gut or lung. The most dangerous items to swallow are batteries and magnets; the most dangerous to choke on are grape sized (older children’s toys, hard candy) or stretchy (balloons, plastic bags, marshmallows). Clean up!

Holidays also provide a banquet of things to irritate children’s allergies. Live trees indoors, foods, cigarette smoke, wood fires and other people’s homes and pets come to mind. Avoid them if your child has allergies.

Fires and electrical injuries are especially common during holidays. Decorations can be flammable, old Christmas trees will be dry, and space heaters, candles and fires are commonly nearby. Frayed and loose wires easily start fires. Keep your eyes open for dangers.

Use your common sense during celebrations. If it doesn’t seem safe, don’t let people pressure you into it. Feel free to let watching your kids take precedence over seeing Uncle Joe’s trophy or Aunt Mary’s vacation photos. “He’ll be fine” doesn’t make him fine. Keep an eye on him, or her.

Feel free to be rude and head for home when the kids get tired, if a situation feels out of control, or if your child is being exposed to something you aren’t happy with. Use the munchkin’s youth or fatigue as the excuse for you to head home, relax and read a bedtime story.

Remember that the point of celebrations is to solidify relationships and give hope for the future. Get there by focusing on your history, rejoicing in your present and not sabotaging your future. Don’t go crazy with gifts: they don’t teach your children anything you want them to learn and the financial stress will eat away at that joy and hope you were dreaming of. Pick fewer things to do, and do them together. Be safe and stay healthy.

Top Ten Reasons to Never Lie to Children

Posted by Dr. Lovlie

A small boy playing

Every time I say, “Never lie to your kids,” someone responds with, “What about Santa, and the Easter Bunny? What about playing pretend?” I sometimes think people like to stir things up, and create difficulties where there are none.

Lies and fantasy are not the same thing, and we know that when we are not trying to be obtuse. Lies are ugly. Lies are self-serving, meant to gain an advantage for the liar. Lies hurt, and cause damage and resentment. Everyone has, at some point in their lives, been hurt by a lie. Remember that feeling, because it is not something we wish for our progeny.

There is a real difference between lies and pretend. Pretend is a game everyone has agreed to play. No one was ever hurt by being brought into the club to help keep the secret of Santa.

The other side of the coin is that well meaning parents want to protect their kids from some of the less magical aspects of life, and lie in order to guard their child’s innocence and happiness. We forget that there is a price tag on the lie that will come due when it is found out. The result of “Sure we can afford that toy,” and “Grandma just went on a long trip,” is a lack of trust, and panic when Aunt Judy goes on her next trip.

The solution to this is simple. Don’t tell them things you don’t want them to know. Tell them they are too young, or you’ll have to think about that, or just “No.”

Don’t lie. Because…

…you’ll get caught. You have to keep track of all of your lies; your munchkin only has to remember what you said. You are the most important person in their lives. They watch you and pay attention. They will notice.
…you don’t want your child to lie to you, and fair is fair.
…kids incorporate anything a parent does into their own self image. If their parent is a liar, then so must they be.
…they need to trust you on matters of safety. If you have never lied to them they will know you are telling the truth when you say, “drugs are dangerous,” or “random sex will hurt you.”
…kids thrive when they feel secure. They need to know they can count on their parents, and have a safe base from which to launch their lives. Lies will erode that security.
…it is much easier to have self respect, and take pride one’s accomplishments, when one has honestly accomplished them. As you go, so will they follow.
…you want your children to succeed in both their work and their relationships; a habit of honesty will help in both.
…the respect of your children must be earned, not granted as an automatic part of being a parent. Lying tarnishes that respect.
…when they see you deserving of and expecting respect as an honest, trustworthy person, so will they demand respect in their own lives and relationships.
…last, they can trust that they are wonderful and capable of anything, because you told them so, and you never lie.

Why is Being Short a Bad Thing?

Posted by Dr. Lovlie

The time has come to question our assumptions.

We know that humans come in all sizes, shapes, colors, talents, and smarts. Things would get pretty boring–and confusing–if everyone looked alike and had the same talents and abilities; we need variety to keep the world turning. Who would grow the food and fix the plumbing if we were all rock stars?

Why then do we then pick one or two sorts of humans and define them as good? Why is tall better than short? Why is blond better than brunette? Why is aggressive good in a male and not so good in a female? Who makes these arbitrary decisions?

We need to take a breath and examine our assumptions, because they effect every aspect of our lives. We especially need to consider how they affect our children’s lives.

Thoughtless, arbitrary assumptions can place expectations on our children that will crush their fragile frames.

It is easy to assume that athleticism is good, and slide from there over to I want you to be athletic, and will be disappointed in you if you are not. It is common to assume that girls should be nice, and then wear a dismayed look when a daughter’s competitive streak comes to the fore.

It is equally easy for a daughter to internalize that look of disappointment or dismay, and lacerate her own self-esteem.

So let’s question our assumptions.

I am where I am partly because I was fueled by soul deep anger and competitiveness. I am told these traits are “negative” in a woman, but they motivated me and gave me the power to overcome endless obstacles. Why then are such things defined as negative – should it not depend on how they are used? These traits are part of my whole–should I not embrace them if I am to love myself? Or do I have to embrace only the parts of me of which others would approve, and try to bury the rest? Why? Because society says so? Religion? Because I am a woman and we are assumed to be a certain way? Because they are not happy, perky feelings?

Who defines what is a negative trait, and what is positive? Is it social mores, extended family, religious books, the entertainment industry? These entities don’t even know you or your children, so why should you trust them to decide what you or they should be?

We want our children to like themselves in their entirety, not just selective bits and pieces. We do not want them to feel that they need to hide parts of themselves because they believe those parts to be bad, or shameful. Down that path lies broken relationships and depression.

If your child is short, tall, brunette, round, skinny, bookish, hates books… take this moment to make sure that you are not harboring assumptions about which bits and pieces are “good” and which are “bad.” Kids are experts at reading their parents, and stamping themselves with those unvoiced judgements. Value honesty, responsibility, inspiration–traits that will help them succeed in any field–and all the parts and pieces of your actual children, because every part of them deserves your acceptance and love.

Happy Haunting! How to Stay Safe on Halloween…

Posted by Dr. Lovlie

Time again for the annual “How to keep your kid alive and still have a happy Halloween” article. I know you’ve read this sort of thing before, but skim through – you might see something you forgot!

First, costumes. From tiny ones that want to be lions to preteens dripping blood, costumes are the best part of Halloween. For a few hours we suspend boring reality and play at being something else. How better to encourage creativity and imagination?

Please try for bright, easy to see colors. Check to make sure the fabric is flame retardant and add reflective tape. Make sure the costume fits well so your little guy won’t trip. Stick your little girl’s feet into comfortable shoes. Pin a paper with their name, address and phone number inside their pockets in case you get separated.

Paint their faces so they don’t need to wear masks that can obstruct their vision.

Be careful about those accessories! Long scythes and pitchforks can be trip hazards. Accessories should be soft, short, fake and flexible. Guns that look real have caused problems when people were unsure they were toys. Arm them with a flashlight with fresh batteries instead.

On the subject of home décor: I once put a big fat candle on a table decorated with straw. It took my next-door neighbor–a fireman–raising his brow for me to see that this was not a terribly bright idea. So. Be careful where you put flame. Fire inside a floor level pumpkin with costumes sweeping by–not so good. Try battery powered candles or glow sticks instead. The fireman will appreciate it.

Only the grown ups get to use sharp objects, so pumpkin carving is for big people only. Nothing ruins a holiday like a trip to the ER. Kids can design with markers or paint.

Next, inspect your yard and home for trip hazards such as bikes and hoses. Check for frayed wires, and poorly lit areas.

There are, I admit, children who may disagree with me about costumes being the best part of Halloween. There is that other thing they like a lot: running around neighborhoods screaming maniacally and getting free candy. I would frown upon such activity but I have fond memories of doing the same.

So, on the subject of trick-or-treating: the number one way children are hurt on Halloween is by running in front of cars in the excitement of the moment. Teach them basic safety and know where your kids are and who they are with.

Kids under 12 walk with a grown-up (No, that is not up for debate; blame it on me.) Over 12, it depends on the maturity of the child and the safety of the neighborhood. If they are not with a grown-up, they need to travel in a group, on a preplanned path. If you can find a neighborhood where they close off the streets, enjoy! If not, hike through a familiar neighborhood (it can’t hurt to check the registered sex offender site and avoid those houses).

Everyone needs to stay in well-lit areas, avoiding short cuts, alleys and darkness. Use sidewalks and walk facing traffic. Be careful when crossing the street: even if the approaching car does see your child, the one behind him or her might not. Make sure they know to never approach parked cars and never enter a house. Have your big kid carry a cell phone and check in every hour. Agree on a curfew.

When they get home, go through their haul. Throw out anything that looks like it was tampered with, anything home made (if you don’t know the maker), choking hazards, and whatever else you can get away with. Freeze some for holiday cookies later.

Last, take care to keep your pets safe during the holiday. Keep chocolate and anything sweetened with xylitol away from your dog. Watch for choking hazards and yummy electric wires, and lock your four legged ones away from the front door so they won’t escape when the hoodlums knock.

Happy Haunting!

Your Kid’s Brain on No Sleep

Posted by Dr. Lovlie

Every animal sleeps. Birds sleep attached to their branches, bats sleep upside down, whales sleep half their brains at a time–all of us need to catch some Z’s. Science doesn’t have a complete understanding of why we sleep, but we do have some ideas and we know people run into problems if they do not get enough.

Humans sleep in cycles from light sleep into heavy and then into dreams. Adults cycle about four times per night; infants cycle about every hour (that’s why they can wake up every hour). Each stage has a function: if you don’t get enough time in each stage you will not feel rested, even if you spent enough hours horizontal.

During the first stage, or “N1”, you are in drowsy sleep. You are not completely out, but neither are you completely aware of your environment. If someone sat beside you to read a book you would not notice; if that person said your name you would.

During N2 you loose all conscious awareness; N3 brings you into deep sleep.

Rapid eye movement (REM) sleep is the fourth stage. During REM sleep you dream, and your voluntary muscles become atonic, or mostly paralyzed, so you don’t whack yourself in the head.

Then you cycle through the phases again. Most deep sleep is early in the night; most REM sleep is later toward morning. (That’s why kids mostly wet the bed early in the night.)

If you get enough sleep you feel energetic during the day, your brain works and your emotions are under control.

The opposite happens if you, or your children, are sleep deprived. If your children do not get enough sleep they are tired, they cannot concentrate and they can be irritable.

Lack of sleep affects their working memory: the memory they employ constantly to reason and function. Without an effective working memory they will find it harder to make decisions. It will be difficult to focus and learn.

Sleep is necessary to organize, consolidate and solidify what your children have learned during the day, so it can be there the next day when they need it. There is even some evidence that REM sleep is necessary for your child’s brain to develop properly in the first place.

Many of these symptoms duplicate those of ADD, depression, and Oppositional Disorder. Sleep deprivation also affects the function of your immune system, your ability to heal, your growth hormone levels and your ability to lose weight–important stuff.

So how do you know if your children are getting enough sleep? Look at them during the day. If they are sleeping adequately they will wake up easily, perhaps without an alarm. They will be awake during the day, not sleepy, not dosing off when they are still. They will be less irritable. They will be able to concentrate, focus and learn.

If they are not getting enough sleep, getting more is a priority. Make sure there is enough time allotted in their busy schedules, and try to make bedtime the time of day that they are actually sleepy. Every person has a circadian rhythm that includes a time in the evening when they get drowsy. That time should be bedtime. It should be approximately the same every day, to avoid permanent jet lag.

During the day make sure they eat healthy whole foods. No caffeine please, no tobacco exposure (yes I mean you!) and watch that sugar intake. Also, they need at least twenty minutes of aerobic exercise every day to wash those stress chemicals out of their bodies.

Quiet things down about two hours before bedtime: no TV, no vigorous exercise. Turn on some quiet music, play a board game, or read a book. Lower the light level. Give your youngster a warm bath and read a bedtime story. Don’t even think of having a TV in the bedroom! Make their bedroom comfortable, quiet and a little cool.

Enough sleep is essential if you want a child who is not moody and has a functioning brain and energized body. If you are thinking your munchkin has a behavioral problem like ADD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder or depression, consider first whether he or she is getting enough sleep. If not, change what you need to to ensure that they do. Get that TV out of the bedroom, give them a healthy diet and enough exercise, and don’t expose him to cigarettes. Quiet things down two hours before bed. And get some sleep.

The Egg Came First, Of Course!

Posted by Dr. Lovlie

So, I’ll admit it. I truly do not understand that whole man/woman inequality thing. I don’t get why it exists. It’s like the chicken and the egg to me, which came first? It’s obvious: the egg. Something that was almost a chicken laid an egg that had a new mutation, and voila–a chicken! So simple, just a matter of definition, of where we draw that line.

Why is it not just as obvious to everyone that men and women are equal? Each has 46 chromosomes and the same arrangement of muscles and bones. Both have a brain, a heart, two arms, two legs.

How could a lesser being get together with a greater being and create a child? Part of two equals have to make that whole.

And yet we endlessly insist that they are not equal. We focus on what differences we can find and weigh them on an scale created from self interest, history and desire. Men are bigger, stronger, and have more muscle, so they are better! Women can bear life, so they are better!

We write off young women because they are girls, and sexy, and we judge them on that; we ignore old women because they are old, not sexy, and are thus useless. We walk on, satisfied with our actions because we have put them in their slot; it is settled. Women are less, because sex defines them. We must allow them to be defined by their sex or they pose a threat to the status quo. She can’t be president, she might push the button when she has PMS!

Whole human beings are reduced to their sexuality because it orders the world and makes it easier to find and understand our place.

In the same way young men are written off when they are not big, athletic; old men are written off when they do not have money, a fancy car. If they do not conform, they must be derided, snickered at, because of society’s obsession with macho manliness and wealth.

These prejudices do none of us any good. If we win and convince ourselves that we are better than one person, the flip side is that we will be judged as less than someone else. Do we really want that?

At some point, if this is ever to improve and we are not to endlessly churn out damaged adults with sad relationships who in turn damage their children, we have to evolve to the point where we know, to the depths of our souls, that all humans are equally valuable. All talents are to be prized. All life is sacred.

We all want the same things in life: to love and be loved, to have a safe haven to go home to, to have work that inspires us. We have so much about us that is the same, yet we constantly focus on our differences.

Where does this need to compare and compete, to constantly evaluate and judge, come from? Is it hard wired into our animal DNA, or is it something our human brains can overcome?

Why do we need to write anyone off or judge ourselves against others? Why do we subject ourselves, let alone total strangers, to valuation by our obsessions and insecurities? One part of a person is not the whole; the one hue we individually consider important cannot stamp a whole human being with a value, like a price tag, ignoring the rest of the color spectrum.

It is time that we embrace the whole of the human spectrum, and take joy in our evolution. Each person–man/woman, tall/short, intelligent/talented/mechanical/weird–has equal value, is deserving of equal respect, and can be loved and appreciated as they are.

Why live a life that has already been lived, outlined by the generations who lived before? Grasp change; reach deep into your own unique soul and create something new. Then allow your neighbor, workmate, and child to do the same.

“It’s Just a Cold…”

Posted by Dr. Lovlie

Happy cold and flu season! How many times have you taken your child to the doctor and been told, “It’s just a virus. Rest, push fluids, and they’ll feel better in about 10 days”?

Sadly, it’s true. There are hundreds of different viruses that cause colds, from the most common rhinovirus through the ever-unpleasant adenovirus to the rather pretty coronavirus (it has a crown…).

We can’t fix any of them.

All of them are contagious. All you have to do to catch one is breathe around someone who has one, or touch a surface that someone infectious has recently touched and then rub your nose or eyes. After a 2 or 3 day incubation period you will wake up to a scratchy throat and headache and you too will be infectious (mostly for the first 3 days).

Children catch an average of 8-10 colds during the first two years of their lives; they average 6-8 colds per year during their school years. Since most colds occur from October through March, this means 1-2 colds per month, lasting 10 days each. If it seems like your children are sick all the time, it’s because… they are sick all the time.

Symptoms of a cold include fever, red watery eyes, congestion, cough, tiredness and decreased appetite. Your child’s ears might feel plugged up. Watery nasal discharge can turn thick and green after a day or two (this doesn’t mean they have a sinus infection, it’s just part of what a virus does).

So how do we keep them as healthy as possible? You probably already know the basics:

Wash their hands frequently. Keep those hands away from their eyes, nose and mouth! No nail chewing!
Cover their mouths when they sneeze or cough. Elbows or facial tissues work.
Disinfect surfaces.
Look for small daycares and classes whenever possible (I know, but we can dream).
Do what you can to boost their young immune systems. Breastfeeding your infant will make me poor–all that wonderful grown-up immunity transferred to your little one. Never smoke in air your child will inhale. Really. Never. It will destroy their immune system. And yours, by the way. Take probiotics like Acidophilus (in yogurt) or Lactobacillis.
Make sure they get enough sleep. If they are sleepy during the day, move their bedtimes up. Tired people get sick.
Offer them healthy food, and throw out all the unhealthy food so they will have fewer options when they get hungry.
Have lots of fluids available, because hydration is necessary for your body’s defenses to work. And no, I don’t mean soda. Water, dilute juice or milk please.

When your children get sick, treat their symptoms so that they will feel better. We have nothing that cures colds–antibiotics do not kill viruses. Salt water (saline) nose sprays are safe. Tylenol or ibuprofen will help with fever and pain. Over the counter cold meds will suppress some of the symptoms in children over 6 years of age, although they’ve never been proven to work for younger kids.

Call your doctor if the fever lasts more than three days, if your child is lethargic or unusually cranky, or if they have an earache or breathing problems.

Make them rest and drink fluids, and they’ll feel better in about 10 days.

Back to School: Time for Homework!

Posted by Dr. Lovlie

There are more than 2000 school days in your child’s life, most of which will end with homework. Over time that means you need to inspire your children to do about 4000 hours of schoolwork at home, when video games are calling their names.

I have a few suggestions on how to get that mountain of homework done with less argument and frustration.

First, establish the habit of homework long before they actually have any. When they are little, assign time in the evening when the TV is turned off, activities are done, and you as a family can sit and read, build things, or play games that involve a little brain work. Do this during the two hours before bed and the kids will also sleep better.

Why do we need homework?

Consider the goal of homework: what do we want our child to gain from doing it? Of course, we want them to learn the material. More importantly, we want them to learn how to learn, and to love doing it. We want to furnish them with skills that will prove useful in real life. If homework can teach your children to examine facts, explore knowledge, organize and take personal responsibility for their work, and manage their time efficiently – what might he or she accomplish in life? These are the very skills that form a foundation for success.

Where?

Choose a place. There is no “right” place. If your child does better in a quiet environment, a desk in his room would work well. If she needs a little supervision, the kitchen table might work better. Wherever you choose, turn off the TV, videogame, and cell phone (quiet music is usually fine, and sometimes can even help children concentrate). Make sure they are comfortable and the lighting is good. Have the supplies they need – pencils, paper, calendar, dictionary? – nearby. Get rid of any distractions.

When?

Pick a time. Again, there is no “right” time. Some kids will do better right after school; some will need to blow off steam and may do better after dinner. Choose the time that works best for your individual children, involving them in the decision. Then make this schedule a routine, because children’s brains accommodate habits well. Kids don’t argue over something they have done every day for years; they argue endlessly over change and unpredictability.

Give your children a warning a few minutes before their free time is ending, so they can finish whatever they are doing before you drag them away.

Keep your expectations appropriate for your child’s age. As a general rule of thumb a child should have about 10 minutes of homework per grade level. Children in elementary school will need help organizing their work and staying on task; teenagers should be able to do their work without supervision. If all goes well, somewhere in middle school they learn to take responsibility.

Start the hardest subjects first; position assignments which require memorization (spelling, math?) early and repeat after breaks.

Since you as parents won’t always be around to supervise, let your teenager fail in high school when they make poor choices. Summer school is cheaper and immensely less life altering than flunking out of college; repeating algebra is torture, but less traumatic than loosing a job. To paraphrase: give a child an organized notebook, and he will pass one test; teach him how to organize and he will have a skill for all of his life (sorry, couldn’t help myself).

Expect problems; they give you a subject of conversation to share with your child! Approach problems with diplomacy and respect for the person who is your child. Label the problem: “You get distracted by your cell phone.” Don’t label your child: never “You’re lazy.” Be wiling to compromise with your child to solve the problem. “If you will turn off the cell phone while you do your work, you can have 5 minute breaks between subjects to catch up, call and text.” Agree to the compromise; it is a contract with your progeny. If you need to, write it down and both of you sign it. Read last week’s blog on How to Fight with a Child.

Rewrite this contract when the first one flops, until you find an arrangement that enables your child to learn and you to not run screaming from the room.

Allow the child’s input as much as possible. Let him decorate his workspace up to the point where he puts in distractions. Let her decide subject order, as long as it works. Let them choose their break activity, up to a time limit.

Reward success.

We as humans are hard wired to respond better to rewards than to punishment. How long would you go to work if you did not get a paycheck?

Sadly, it is not realistic to expect a better grade to be your child’s only reward. That grade is too far into the distant misty future, over a mountain of hard labor.

Rewards work best if they are small, and given for small increments of good behavior. A hug, a smile and pride in their accomplishment is all they need when they are small. When they are a little bigger, take time to read a book together or play a game. Keep rewards simple, small, and frequent.

Older children also need small, frequent rewards, though probably not as simple. They always have items that they want, but don’t need; these items make great rewards. Study time, completed homework and test grades can all earn them points toward a goal. There is no need for an argument when he or she doesn’t do their work before picking up the phone; they just won’t get that essential point.

Homework is training for life. Choose the place and time, working with your child to fit it to your family routines, your child’s personality, and his or her age. Endeavor to teach self-discipline, time management and responsibility equally with reading, writing, and arithmetic. Reward success. Keep in mind that the goal is not to learn how to spell that list of words, but rather to inspire a love of learning which will propel your child to succeed, now and into the future.

Parenting: How to Fight Like a Grownup

Posted by Dr. Lovlie

Children thrive in a home where they feel secure: security that is based in large part on their parents being sane and reliable. It can be terrifying when parents argue. If Mom or Dad act crazy when they fight their daughter, watching from around the corner, or son, lying in bed with a pillow over his head, will believe their world is falling apart.

As a result, an important part of parenting is learning how to discuss and resolve differences of opinion without devolving into screaming insults and accusations.

The goal of any parental conflict is to reach a compromise with which both parties will feel that they have won something, and both parties feel that they have given up something to the deal. If one party wins everything the compromise will not hold, because the other will have nothing to loose and will either keep fighting or just give up. We are looking for a win-win.

Parents are individuals first, with unique histories and priorities. There are bound to be disagreements over the decades it takes to raise a child. (Last week’s blog outlined common areas of disagreement; after this is how to fight with a child.) Since these disagreements happen between two people, the personalities of those people will impact the process. A little self examination is in order before we move on to how to fight like a grown-up.

There are three common personality styles that can negatively affect – umm- discussions:

The avoider: this person will not bring up the problem, will change the subject when they can, try to make jokes, deny that there is a problem… The problem will not get solved unless they can be brought to ground. (My husband is nodding and pointing at me.)
The nice guy: this person will give until they can’t give any more and then they explode. They will yield all points and agree to whatever their partner wants. Said partner will be completely blindsided when the divorce papers come.
The competitor: this is the person who will argue for points they don’t even care about, because they just want to win. Sometimes they can go over the line and and get nasty, flinging insults and accusations.

Parenting is too important to allow personality style to impact decisions. Figure out how you and your partner argue, and realize that your child is important enough to force yourself out of your comfort zone and let go of whatever habits you have indulged in until now. Face whatever the issue is, stand up for what you think is right, but don’t steamroll over your partner. Discuss the issue with the goal of compromise and cooperation.

People smarter than me have studied how to resolve conflicts in politics and business. The same principles work for relationships and parenting. The process can be divided into steps:

Listen. This means not interrupting until your partner in life, that person whom you love most in the world, has made his or her point. So hush! If you have trouble staying quiet, place a timer prominently between you and give each person a few uninterrupted minutes. Listening also means hearing and trying to understand what their words actually meant. This is difficult to do when all you are thinking about is your own point of view and what you are going to say next. You need to know how your partner in life sees the problem in order to fix it. Sometimes it helps to repeat back what you heard, because what one person says is not always what the other person hears. “I’m frustrated and angry because we can’t pay our bills” can sound like “I want out of this marriage” if you are not careful.
Communicate. Talk about the actual issue. We want the best education for our child, but we can’t agree on priorities. Don’t detour over to how you feel, other issues, or past history. Don’t try to assign blame. We never should have moved, or You should have taken that other job, won’t help.
Summarize. After you’ve both had a chance to make your point, sum it up. Name the problem, list the points on each side. Write it down if it helps.
Start with agreement. In every discussion there are points of agreement. Start with those points, and work from there. We both value education, but we know we cannot afford the private school we love… You want to work more so we can come up with the money, I want you home more and think we can teach them by reading, traveling, going to the library.
Don’t make assumptions, or jump to conclusions. Slow down, give yourselves the time to fully understand. Don’t let emotions and the thrill of drama get the better of you.
Realize that you must come to an agreement, there is no other option. We can work a little more to pay for math camp during the summer, and carve out extra time to hit libraries and museums.

Both sides must give a little and both sides must win a little, because you are in this together. One partner cannot overpower the other, or the partnership will not last, and your children need your partnership to last more than they need whatever you are arguing about.

In a conflict between parents either both parents win or both, in the end, loose.

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Parenting: How to Fight Like a Grownup