Family

Lessons from a Child

Posted by

2

Astronaut child

Children never question what they like and do not like. They are nothing if not decided.

My grandson, the other day, looked at lasagna and said No, I do not like the look of that, and will therefor not taste it. He said that with a twist of an eyebrow, not actual words, since he is not yet two. Luckily, he was afterwards convinced that just one taste would not kill him, and proceeded to devour the entire plate. Not so bad, lasagna.

We somehow lose that connection as adults.

Where does it go–that focus; that confidence that we know ourselves?

I think we get directed. Steering is involved. People suggest. This is good, you will like it. You look pretty in that, you should wear that more. Rich guys have that, you should want it too.

Our cultures push a little in one direction.

Our gender angles a bit to the side.

Our age limits possibilities, tamps them down.

Our situation tailors our activities that way.

As we go through life we lose ourselves, and the directions we could have grown had we not been trellised on a frame.

We seldom take a moment to sit and think, I used to find dinosaurs fascinating. I used to write, draw, sing… I always wanted to try running, the guitar, scuba diving…

Adults get disconnected, in their adultness.

Let us today vow to follow the immediate example children display for us.  Hmmm. Flavor…. Good! Hmmm. Uncomfortable… Bad!

What might we be capable of if we rediscover who we are from the inside out; figure out what we actually enjoy, find interesting, and want to spend our lives doing rather than fitting into the frame society has designed for us? It is so easy to believe that our amazing children can be anything, do anything… Why not apply that to ourselves as well? We will never discover that we can draw if we do not pick up a pencil, that we are good with the elderly if we do not volunteer, that we can do, if we do not try (switched up Yoda a bit sorry).

Can we create ourselves the way our children do, isolating ourselves during that moment of exploration from the expectations created by our histories and circumstances? Put that pencil to paper without looking behind us to make sure no one sees?

How better to teach our children that they can be connected and fulfilled than by doing it ourselves, and being a good example?

Celebrate the world’s rebirth this spring and try something new.

Domesticated Momster

How to Have a Stress Free Spring Break

Posted by

2

little cute girl near the pool with a circle for swimming

Spring Break! Time for the Family Vacation. So how do you have fun without going insane? I, of course, have my top ten!

10. Pack a simple medicine kit: don’t waste a day of vacation at the doctor’s office, refilling the prescription you forgot at home. Take:

  • any prescription meds your child sometimes needs, even if they haven’t used them in a while (asthma and allergy meds come to mind)
  • frequently used over-the-counter stuff: acetaminophen or ibuprofen, an antihistamine, insect repellant with DEET (the other stuff really doesn’t work, and insect borne encephalitis is unpleasant), sunscreen, and hand sanitizer
  • basic first aid supplies (band aids, gauze pads, tape, antibiotic ointment, cortisone cream, alcohol, tweezers, scissors, thermometer)

9.  Write out a budget before you go. I know, I am a fun sucker, but it has to be done. Know how much money you have and where you plan to spend it. Give the kids an allowance for souvenirs. They will be more careful with money they consider their own, and they will not be constantly asking for things. “Can I have that?” can be answered with “Sure, it’s your money. But are you positive that is where you want to spend it? There might be something better later…” Also, knowing how much you yourself have to spend will save you stress and regret later.

8.  Keep to healthy foods most of the time. (Here I go, sucking out the fun again!) Kids will have more energy, feel better and have a better attitude if they are nourished. And it’s cheaper. Have a basket of fruit available, some whole grain crackers, cheese, peanut butter, popcorn – food with nutrients. Don’t waste valuable vacation time sitting in the drive thru line and arguing over food.

7.  Keep to established routines when you can. Bring along a book for that bedtime story, keep bed time the same, set aside time for their bath. Kids don’t always deal well with change, and vacations are all about change. A few familiar routines will help them feel less stressed. A full night’s sleep is an absolute necessity if you don’t want an emotional wreck for a kid.

6.  Keep an eye on the little ones. You are in a different environment with new dangers. Distractions abound. Kids on vacation get lost, or get into Grandma’s meds or the local pool. Check out my summer safety tips.

5.  Find interesting things to keep their brains busy. Bored kids whine, and then they find their own version of interesting things. Have a stock of books, games and videos for the car. Bring a journal for them to write in, and art supplies. Explore the area you travel to – Google it before you go. See the sights, hit the museums, find the local artists and craftsmen. Check out ideas to abolish summer boredom.

4.  Keep your own mind open to new and different ways of doing things, so that your kids will do the same. Kids internalize their parent’s judgments, and they will close down their minds and wipe possibilities out of their lives if that is the example you set.

3.  Keep them physically active as well. A tired kid is less stressed, sleeps better, and is not sitting around thinking of ways to get into trouble.

2.  Keep stress to a minimum. Use a GPS if you’re driving: arguments with the navigator have ruined many a vacation. Keep your expectations in line with the actual possibilities, to avoid disapointment. Don’t overschedule – leave time for that relaxing hike and to have a conversation over dinner. Stay within your budget – your hindbrain will know you are overspending and your stress will mount. Stressed out people snap at each other and cannot enjoy time or family.

1.  Align your vacation with your priorities, then toss out the rest. What are the goals of this vacation? Relaxation, family time, memories, enrichment, joy? Plan the vacation and activities that will get you there, and don’t let exhaustion, stress, and fear get in your way. Don’t stop at Uncle Joe’s house if you know he will stress you out; don’t vacation with those friends who overspend or forget to pay their half of the bill. Don’t worry if the kids are getting dirty or if your Aunt Judy wouldn’t approve. Just say no, open up, and relax.

And have a fantastic vacation!

Top Ten Reasons to Let Your Kids Fail

Posted by

6

Astronaut child

Even the possibility of failure is anxiety provoking.

Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could just do everything right the first time?

Need me to do that radio interview? No problem–bring it on! I’m not scared of that microphone, and the questions for which I might not know the answers, and the fact that I might sound like an idiot or give someone the wrong information… cue the heart racing, chest clutching, palm dampening anxiety.

If you haven’t experienced the fear of failure you haven’t pushed past your known limits and tried, and without trying you will leave possibilities on the table.

We want our children to catch their dreams, so when it is safe, and when failure does not have lifelong consequences, we need to let them try.

It is hard to sit back and watch our children fail–yet failure is good, and essential to success. Below are ten things to think about as you stand aside and watch your child drop that ball, and learn lessons the hard way–through personal experience with bruised knees and lost friendships:

  1. Failure is on the job training–a learning experience in what does not work and what not to do. Fail that test? Next time they will study.
  2. Failure is an arrogance tamer. Arrogance will not attract true friends.
  3. Failure teaches empathy. Empathy does attract true friends.
  4. Failure is proof that your child is trying. Good to know they got off that couch, right?
  5. Failure gives us direction. If we are lost, we look at a map; failure draws the route on that map. If our child was terrible at hitting or catching a ball, but loved running the bases? Maybe we should sign him or her up for track. Failure gives us a better idea of who we are and what we are actually good at.
  6. Projects are more likely to succeed if preceded by a series of failures. All those errors make us more careful, so we pay attention and catch mistakes before they happen instead of pushing through and assuming all will go well.
  7. Life’s hardest, most important lessons can only be learned through failure. People truly do “not know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.”
  8. Lessons learned through failure stick. We joke about how our children always have to learn things the hard way, but such is human nature. We can give them our knowledge and experience, but it will never be as memorable as a moment of abject embarrassment in front of their classmates.
  9. Success feels so much better after failures. ‘Nuf said.
  10. Experience teaches that failure is not fatal. John Sinclair said “failure is a bruise, not a tattoo.” It’s good to have learned in childhood that you really can try again, and perhaps succeed. Failure is not permanent until you give up and shut that door.

It is better that they learn these lessons in childhood while you are still there to catch them when they fall. Break out your box of bandaids, security, and absolute love and acceptance. Even though they might not make the team, they know that you will love them anyway and they will be secure enough to try again.

Every single time your children fail, they have overcome fear to try, and how amazing is that? Even if they have not succeeded at acing that interview, they have succeeded at beating fear to give it their best. Their dreams await.

 

How to Inspire a Teenager

Posted by

3

Young Teenage Girl Standing And Looking On Empty Picture Frame

Last week’s blog was “How to Play with a Two Year Old.”  Apparently, this was not an issue for many parents; the problem was more, “How do I get my teen off the couch?”

Who knew?

Since we would prefer that they roll themselves off the couch (they get a bit heavy) we need them to want to get up on their large stinky feet to do something interesting.

Inspiration seems to be the key.

So how do we arrange for our children to become inspired? Industry prospers when industrious people are inspired, so the how to’s of inspiration have been studied extensively in that field. I plundered their studies shamelessly to suit my needs and come up with ten things that will encourage your teen toward couchless, inspired labor. To create an environment that encourages inspiration:

  1. First, kids need to know that they are loved and accepted exactly as they are. This absolute security will give them the self confidence they need to take a chance–live their own lives, follow their own interests and talents–and not be self defeating.
  2. Our kids need health to reach their potential. This means giving them a diet of healthy whole foods, daily exercise, and enough sleep. (You knew I’d sneak that one in somewhere, didn’t you?)
  3. They need to by focused on the positive. The most effective way to do this is by remembering  their strengths. If they feel defeated, remind them of past successes. The flip side of this is learning to accept change and loss as a part of life, not the unending measure of their failures.
  4. They need to believe in the possibility of success; optimism is key to inspiration. Teach them to see the best in people rather than looking for the worst. Show them the seemingly impossible things other people have accomplished. Talk about the people they admire. Success can happen.
  5. They need practice finding solutions, so work through problems with them rather than simply telling them what to do. Give them experience working toward a goal while you are still around to steer them a bit.
  6. Help them learn the value of courage so that they will push through fear to try new things, to do something different, to explore, and to think in a way only their own unique brain can think.
  7. Allow time for relaxation; take moments to breathe; allow laziness. Brains are most creative when they are relaxed. Slower brainwaves lead to new connections; plasticity leads to creativity.
  8. Nudge appreciation of other people, opportunities, life, and beauty. Teach them to be observant. They might write in a journal, draw, make music, dance, hike outdoors, read, meditate–anything that exercises their mind.
  9. Stir them to interact with and help others. Teach something. It is hard to come up with new ideas in a vacuum. Allow feedback and interaction, listen to other people’s ideas. Write things down.
  10. Encourage work. An inspired person is immersed in what he or she is doing, like a dog with a bone. Time passes unnoticed as they persist past an idea into exhaustion, and satisfaction.

Francis of Assisi said, “Start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible… suddenly you are doing the impossible.”

Inspiration creates love, joy, and purpose–which creates inspiration–which creates love, joy, and purpose… Inspiration is a moment of understanding the magic in our world. Inspired people thrive, have balance, and invite humor and joy into their lives. What more could we want for our children?

 

Domestic Momster

The Egg Came First, Of Course!

Posted by

1

Family remodeling house. Home remodel and renovation. Kids painting walls with colorful brush and roller. Children paint wall. Choice of bright color on sample palette for child nursery or kid room.

So, I’ll admit it. I truly do not understand that whole man/woman inequality thing. I don’t get why it exists. It’s like the chicken and the egg to me, which came first? It’s obvious: the egg. Something that was almost a chicken laid an egg that had a new mutation, and voila–a chicken! So simple, just a matter of definition, of where we draw that line.

Why is it not just as obvious to everyone that men and women are equal? Each has 46 chromosomes and the same arrangement of muscles and bones. Both have a brain, a heart, two arms, two legs.

How could a lesser being get together with a greater being and create a child? Part of two equals have to make that whole.

And yet we endlessly insist that they are not equal. We focus on what differences we can find and weigh them on an scale created from self interest, history and desire. Men are bigger, stronger, and have more muscle, so they are better! Women can bear life, so they are better!

We write off young women because they are girls, and sexy, and we judge them on that; we ignore old women because they are old, not sexy, and are thus useless. We walk on, satisfied with our actions because we have put them in their slot; it is settled. Women are less, because sex defines them.  We must allow them to be defined by their sex or they pose a threat to the status quo. She can’t be president, she might push the button when she has PMS!

Whole human beings are reduced to their sexuality because it orders the world and makes it easier to find and understand our place.

In the same way young men are written off when they are not big, athletic; old men are written off when they do not have money, a fancy car. If they do not conform, they must be derided, snickered at, because of society’s obsession with macho manliness and wealth.

These prejudices do none of us any good. If we win and convince ourselves that we are better than one person, the flip side is that we will be judged as less than someone else. Do we really want that?

At some point, if this is ever to improve and we are not to endlessly churn out damaged adults with sad relationships who in turn damage their children, we have to evolve to the point where we know, to the depths of our souls, that all humans are equally valuable. All talents are to be prized. All life is sacred.

We all want the same things in life: to love and be loved, to have a safe haven to go home to, to have work that inspires us. We have so much about us that is the same, yet we constantly focus on our differences.

Where does this need to compare and compete, to constantly evaluate and judge, come from? Is it hard wired into our animal DNA, or is it something our human brains can overcome?

Why do we need to write anyone off or judge ourselves against others? Why do we subject ourselves, let alone total strangers, to valuation by our obsessions and insecurities? One part of a person is not the whole; the one hue we individually consider important cannot stamp a whole human being with a value, like a price tag, ignoring the rest of the color spectrum.

It is time that we embrace the whole of the human spectrum, and take joy in our evolution. Each person–man/woman, tall/short, intelligent/talented/mechanical/weird–has equal value, is deserving of equal respect, and can be loved and appreciated as they are.

Why live a life that has already been lived, outlined by the generations who lived before? Grasp change; reach deep into your own unique soul and create something new. Then allow your neighbor, workmate, and child to do the same.

Top Ten Summer Activities to Abolish Boredom

Posted by

0

2013-09-06 13.00.12A short gap-toothed person looked at me today, smiled, and said, “…only fourteen more days of school!”

Summer is on its way!

No need to run screaming to hide in a closet. Below are my top ten ideas to fill those sunny days with things that will engage their brains and bodies:

  1. Exercise. They have been cooped up all winter. Throw them outside with a ball, bike or roller skates.
  2. Be creative. All those regimented classes, begone! Break out the finger-paints, colored pencils, and charcoal and let them draw anything they want. Find some sticks and build a fort. Act out a drama. The world is their canvas! I mean that literally: they can draw on bark, rocks, the sidewalk…
  3. Listen to music, and make your own. Break out the kitchen utensils if you don’t have instruments. Write your own songs and play them on pots and pans. This is a two-fer, because you will also build reading skills as you play with the words. Listen to music from other cultures and styles and you will painlessly add on lessons in history and anthroology.
  4. Explore. Hit the museum, the library, and the internet, where the world awaits. If nothing comes to mind, ask them what they find interesting and start with that.
  5. Volunteer. Not only is a great way to spend their time, it also fosters an appreciation for what they already have.
  6. Do chores. Chores bind a family together, allow for pride of accomplishment, teach responsibility, and provide a source of money so you can…
  7. Teach financial lessons. What better way than with summer money? Decide before they have it in their grubby paws what they want to save for and how much of their earnings will go into savings. Then watch the pile grow. This works even better if you can match their savings for a little extra inspiration.
  8. Learn a new skill. Make sure it is something they want to learn, of course. Summer is the traditional time for classes, camps, and music lessons. Have a “we’re only speaking spanish” hour, learn to swim, make a tile mosaic – the options are endless.
  9. Introduce yourselves to strangers, especially those who look different than your usual friends. Compliment what they are wearing, ask about what they are doing – be interested and start a conversation. Seeing the world from another person’s point of view can up possibilities for your child.
  10. Get a modern sort of pen pal. These days it’s as easy as getting a twitter account, search #WhatYourChildFindsInteresting and see who pops up. Your child might end up with friends from all over the world. Umm, monitor that, OK?

Keep them moving, reading, and doing, so they won’t turn into sloths.

Have they ever seen a sloth? Isn’t it amazing how slowly they move? Let’s go find a video on Google! Or hit the library! Or draw a picture of one, and make up a story! Or do the sloth dance!

School will start back in no time.

Work/Life Balance

Posted by

0

CinemaUsher-01Since Patrick Pichette announced his retirement from Google to spend time with his family, work/life balance seems to be a popular topic of discussion.

So what is the proper work/life balance? Mr. Pichette decided on 30 years of working like a maniac followed by unknown years of maniacal relaxation. Sounds a little familiar to me.

Is there a correct percentage? 50/50? 60/40? Does it change over time, perhaps allowing for more hours of work when one is young and unencumbered, fewer when one has young children at home?

Money matters, because bills have to be paid, so time must be allotted to obtain it. Variables change if you have a partner to share the load.

Do you devote more time to work if you consider your work to be important, or if you like your work? Is some time apportioned to work necessary to teach responsibility to your children?

How do you solve this puzzle? Is it possible to assign a value to each part of your life, start with the things that have the highest value, and throw in as many as will fit until you run out of day? Are your eyes crossing yet?

The currency that you spend for the things that you do is your life. You pay for time with pieces of your life, and the lives of those important to you. Four hours rearranging papers equals four hours of life gone. The same four hours hiking with the kids? Definitely a better cost/benefit ratio.

Unfortunately, if we spend all of our time on our family and friends, somehow arranging the bits and pieces by degree of importance, we risk failing in our responsibilities. Eating by candle light is less romantic when you can’t turn on the lights.

These choices have to include what those you love value as well. You may not want to make mud pies, but if your 3 year old does, and you value her, those mud pies have value for you too.

When you sign up to have a partner and children, you have by unwritten contract agreed to value them. Being a member of a family, a group of friends, and society also demands it’s share of your time. We live in this world and depend upon each other. We need to contribute.

There are not enough hours in each day.

Solving the puzzle

The solution to this puzzle is impossible because we are asking the wrong question. The question is not “What is the optimal work/life balance?” The question is “What can we do so that we do not consider time spent at work the equivalent of death?”

If we are alive at work, we don’t need to squish all the meaningful time in our lives into a few short hours in the evening. If we find work that we love and take pride in, we will be more productive and we can feel fulfilled. Productive, fulfilled people are happier, have more energy, and are better able to deal with expectations at home. They have more to give back. They also usually have more money, because people who love their work will do it better, and money will follow. The balance improves.

There is no omnicient statue holding a scale above our heads to judge how well we spend our time. I am a small town, solo practice pediatrician: I have been on call for 17 years, every day and night. My daughter is a homemaker, currently chasing a two year old while making my granddaughter. That hypercritical statue would put us on opposite ends of a scale, but both lives have equal value. My children and hers both know that they are gems beyond price, and that we would give our lives for theirs. Adding up and checking off the hours spent at home and work is just silly.

Work

We need to find work that is worth spending our lives on. We need to know ourselves, explore what is valuable to us, and relinquish our lives to that. Happiness is possible when our reality aligns with our dreams. If your dream is dedicating your life to service to the exclusion of family, then live that life. If your vision means devoting yourself to your children, then that has equivalent value, because it has the equal cost of one life, true to itself.

Whether we produce food, teach children, work on cars, or get thrown up on for a living (my choice), we need to live at work, because we spend our lives doing it. The question,”What is the right work/life balance?” is meaningless. We live every minute of our lives and need to give consideration to how we do it, not let circumstance blow us in random directions.

What is valuable is different for each life, and for each day in that life. Know why you do the things you do; take that first step toward where you dream of being. Achieve not so much a work/life balance, as a balanced life.